the drugging of a life time

So, let's start this monsterous ending of an awful week with why this week sucked.

I was sick last weekend, I was feeling kind of bad, I toughed out going to school on thursday and friday for my mom because it was her birthday on friday. and that weekend I didn't feel up to hanging out or going to parties. But I went to dinner with my family and my grandma said "Oh, it sounds like he has mono." And so we went to the doctor on Monday (I didn't go to school.) the tests for mono came back negitive but it does take a long time for the illness to show up. So I could have it. But a test did come back saying I have Thrush. I hadn't heard of it, but it's pretty much a yeast infection in the throat/mouth. lucky for me it was in my throat. It normally shows up in babies because their immune system doesn't work very well. Well because I was kind of sick, I got it. So it hurts when I sneeze and yawn. And I didn't feel up to going to school all week. I missed picture day (and it sucked because my skin was flawless that day.) and I missed one of Felicia's shows. And I love to go and suport her and her music so it really bugged me. There was a good thing though, Infinity On High. The new Fall Out Boy Album. It was amazing, it made me cry it was so amazing. Though I got it late because Wal-Mart is a douche, I was glad I got it. But of course, that ends up ruined for me. I'm almost possitive that I am clinically insane, I make up my own little worlds. I refuse to live in the world that we call earth. And in my little world, I'm best friends with Fall Out Boy. And I listened to that record and thought "Oh, that was written about me! Oh, that was written about Andi! Oh I love thiss." And it made me love that record so much more. Because in my head they had told me that they would write about us. And then Chanelle comes along and shatters my little wall of mystical love. "This song was written about these people" and "this song was written for this girl." I didn't want to hear that. Not at all. The fact that her saying that could completely break me down is just more proof that I have a million issues bottled up in me that really need to be fixed. She tells me "it's obvious" yeah, when you're simple minded and you can't listen to something and connect it to yourself. My mind moves a hundred miles a second and I over think things. Causing me to miss things, that sounds very odd, but when you rush you tend to miss things. I don't pay attention to celebrities lives. I make up their lives, to the way I want them to live. It's funny how now I look at Joe Trohman, someone who's name could make me smile, and now I look at him and I sob. He'll never get to know me and he'll never like me or my music. I want to cast a spell over the east to make them think of me the way i think of them. this is a love note, in my own way.
I want to be remembered, have you seen that episode of house? With the homeless man who wanted to die in pain just so they'd remember him? I feel like that. I'm just the friend. I'm the Dirty to Andi's Fall Out Boy.

I'll loose my friends when I go off to a different high-school, the kids at the school I go to will only like me for the same things a lot of my 'friends' like me for now: I'm crazy, nice, and funny. I am the boy next door. No one wants me. there are two people who are really real to me.
ANDI: though not very good at it, he tries very hard when I'm down. We get in fights when I try to help me, but it makes our friendship stronger. I'm dreading losing him to highschool. I am jealous of Pierre and Peter who have stolen him away. Now, that sounds like I love him. But not like that, he's my best friend. And I will be there for him when he's famous. For his writing, music, or otherwise.
CHELSIE: one person who honestly loves me. I feel like she'd never leave me. And it's something I think about when I go to bed, we could make it work. But then I think about other teenage relationships and I become scared of loosing her too. It'll work. It will. I have to tell myself that. We're long distance so we don't get sick of each other, but not so long that we can't stand it. We're not oppisites, but we're not twins. We have a perfect balance.

Oh look, I got off track. Back to the shitty week.
No one can hang out, I wanted to go out and take pictures, I just got some film for my camera and no one can until it's dark. And I had an awkward night with my mom and Frankie last night, I wanted to stay over at her house. But my mom wouldn't let me. And afterwards my mom thought I was mad at her but honestly, I just felt weird in public at that time. And right now? I just got finished bawling and ripping Fall Out Boy off of my wall and out of my life. I love life. I'm the happiest kid on earth.

Lose of a friend?

I have a feeling it's coming up. I've become mr.brutal-honesty and it's bothering them.

My best friend has something against me, maybe its the fact that I am not going to the same school, maybe it's because I have other friends too, maybe it's because I found myself and they still havent, maybe it's all of the above. All I know is that our friendship is on the rocks and it's totally my fault. I'm going to have to stop being social because it's ruining the good friendships I've had. I'll need to stop thinking, take sleeping pills every day and every night to stop those thoughts from coming. Because if those thoughts come, there comes my opinions. And those have gotten me thrown out on my ass. I should move to Texas, go on tour with Bowling For Soup. They make me happy. And stink. Stink is nice.
If not that, Fall Out Boy maybe. Joe 'the jew' Trohman can make me happy. Very happy. Maybe I'll just move to a small town with Chelsie and buy a bull dog, name it Panik and have a wonderful life, away from rumors, lies, and immaturity. My life really sucks right now, actually not my life, the lives around me. They're all dragging me down, and can they help that I care too much? No, it's not their faults. It's my fault again, for getting attached and they hurting them. All the kids who still hang around me should stop. Honestly, I'll make you depressed, emotional insane, angry, and I'll most likely give you an STD or a big dose of Teenage Angst. Think about it; after meeting me Frankie started cutting, and has been to the mental hospital twice. Andi has become an emotional rollercoaster and needs the two people I introduced him to, to survive. Do either of those people need me? Not at all. I could run away and they'd both go on living. Infact, they may be better. as long as Frankie has her computer, as long as Andi has Pete and Pierre, they're both fine. That just goes to show you:

FUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKK

So I'm pretty fucking down. I loves me some fall out boy. Everyone knows that but they can't even make me happy right now. I'm listening to AntiFlag. Wtff. Another thing that normally amuses me: editing wikipeida. SOMEONE POSTED SOMETHING HILARIOUS ABOUT JOE T'S BROTHA AND I DIDN'T LAUGH WTFFF. Yeah so I hate holidays. I didn't sleep last night. I tried. got up at like 3 am. got on neopets and went ot bed at 6 am. both me and my mommy are sick so we're like... not wanting to do things. But we're going to go do some stuff. Just because. Hmmm. I wish I was a ninja. I want that game "lunch money." i'd kick ass at that. It'd be like fanboy version though. it'd be like... Pete Wentz pitted against Sonny Moore (who would loose emidiatly.) annddd... I'd be like Courtney love. and I'd give everyone hives or something (; suave.

Hi, my name is JACK ASS how're you?

[[even though we kind of just worked through it, I need some to let out steam.]]

So this weekend. some bad shit went down. I said soem stupid things while on a little drug called herione. right after over-dosing my 'friend' logged me out of msn and took my too the hospital. it pissed my friend off. What I said wasn't that horrible. But whatever. here is what they said:

I'm not sure if you're just blocking me, or really high, but I thought I should let you know I won't be talking to you on Monday.

In case you really are high, you won't know/remember what you said tonight, and maybe that's for the best. I'll just tell you that you were a complete asshole. You know what? I know I'm lame. I don't give a flying fuck anymore. And the at faces are getting so stupid. I wish you weren't such a bitch. Maybe then we could be friends for more than the two days when you're at least half-there.

I would say that I thought it was Frankie, messing with me. But I don't believe that. Because I now know how awful you can be. I guess I don't really care that I won't have any friends after you read this and decide everything you said [on the offchance you remember] was true. At least I won't have to deal with a mother fucker like you anymore.

I'm sick of you only caring about you. Every time you're off at home because of a headache, I still call you, just to let you know that you're in our thoughts. Don't expect any more of that. I could fall off a cliff and you wouldn't even notice until someone told you in an email.

Goodbye. I know I'm being a douche. I know you hate me anyway. I know the only reason you're still friends with me is because of Frankie. I know you both can't stand me. At least tell me the truth about it.

Yes, they were overreacting but I about balled. I read it after being told what I did. And a few hours after coming out of the hospital. But I had a friend with me and was at a party there fore, kept it cool. I did reply very angrily. Lied. tried to make them feel as bad as I did. But being who I am: it made me feel worse. Now everyone is mad at me making me into the bad guy. BUT I OVER DOSED BECAUSE I MADE A BAD CHOICE WHILE WITH A NEW 'FRIEND' COME FUCKING ON.

I would be ranting about how horrible they are but I odnt have it in me. Lets see if I can find the reply i sent to them....

Nope. sent it on a different computer so i guess it's not saved.

But this made me feel better today:

Joe t (jewfro to the left) IS MY FAVORITE PERSON OF ALL DAYS. best. jew. ever.

christmas downer

Wow I hate the holiday season. Religion and greed clash like yellow polka dots with blue pin stripes. My personality and happiness drop and I'm easy to tears. And of course bad things happen over and over again. I get jealous easily too. All I want is a nice little dog, Like Hemingway. I hate cats, yet that's all I get. I want a dog or a turtle, I get a cat. I want a dog, monkey, or snake, I get another cat. I still am dying to have an adorable, drooling, and stupid dog to play with and to dress in stupid outfits. Things don't always go your way do they? Like I have SnakeBites now, I've wanted some foreverrr. But yet I look stupid with them. I am re-gauging my ears but they hurt like a fuck. Strangers constantly reassure me that I'm pretty and nice, yet I don't beleive them. It's probably the snow and all the baby jesuses everywhere.

I wish life was more like Edd, Ed & Eddie. So simplistic and dumb. where 25 cents is a lot of money and people didn't ridicule the crazy kid who talks to a peice of wood. I feel like I am ruining everything. I try to be friends with everyone but they all fight and I end up stuck in the middle. Everytime I try to do something right it ends up being wrong. And in this reality, it's not the thought that counts, it doesn't matter if you tried, if you messed up you're SCREWED.

I need to get caught up in my homework. I am always in school-work-debt. I am going to die in the real world. I will never have enough money, my kids will starve, and I will never be happily married.

I'm in love with a fictional charatcer. they may be real; but to me they are just a figment of my imagination. Everything I do just pulls me farther and farther from that person. No one really knows the way I feel, I try to tell them but I'm not good at it. It ends up offending them or it sounds fake. I should stop talking, if only that was possible.

some day I'll be saying good night for good, and everyone will forget the impact I had on them.

best day ever?

This weekend is the best weekend ever. Friday I went to a beautiful fashion show and some VIP's didn't show up so I got to sit in the VIP section. Then today I went to meet Jefree Star! I got to shop with her and got autographs and pictures. It was amazing. And then I come home and go to FallOutBoyRock.Com and what do I get to hear? THEY'RE NEW SINGLE. Oh my god, it was amazing, it was totally unexpected. Those boys never cease to amaze me. FOB TEENIE SINCE I WAS 11 BITCHES. duh. I'm so excited, I look good and I have no where to go. Suck. Some one come down to Utah and do something with me okie?

Schizophrenia

I'm quite sure that I'm Schizophrenic. Someone was talking about this man who was Schizophrenic and everything she said about him discribed me in some way. Mainly the "talks to himself" part. No one beleives me but why would I say that? It's not cool to have voices in your head. This blog won't be long because I'm going to /try/ to sleep. But I know I'll be too busy thinking about weither or not I'm mentally ill. I need help.

lame ok?

Andi beat me up. I don't know why either. He was just like "aUSHNUAHND." and started wailing on me. First he punched me a couple times and i was just like "lol andi thats enough." but then he like started really hurting me. and i fell down and he kicked me. D: douche.

and then i tried calling him last night a million times and his phone was off. OR HE'S AVOIDING ME. WHAT DID I DOOOO?

a stupid little show.

Anyway. I hope this works because if not i'm gunna punch some peeps. (by which i mean the marshmellow chickens and bunnies.) anyway anyway. I went to a friends gig (I call it a show because thats what it was, i got hit in the rib, stopped breathing, passed out, was high, it was a show.)

FUCK IT. I HAD TO FIX MY COMPUTER AND NOW I CAN'T OPEN THE POPUP FOR PUTTING IN PICTURES. :@ IF YOU CARE YOU CAN CLICK THE LINKS.

I KNOW IT DOESNT LOOK THAT HARDCORE. THATS CUZ IT WASNT. THE MOSHPIT WAS SO PANSY.

douche berry

I have, and I just found out that I did. I had suspected it... but he acted fine so I just ignored it. I mean anyone would act funny when seeing someone for the first time in a long time. But I felt like I had to bring him to Gallery Stroll. I warned him that I had already invited Frankie. it wasn't a "She's my fist choice." type of deal, it's the fact that I have 2 friends period. She was that second friend. I missed her, I can understand that he didn't want to see ehr ever again. But it's not my fault I wanted to see her again and he happened to ask to come. Maybe I should have said no, just not let him. I should have known that it was a bad idea. Wow. I'm so selfish. Someone just tell me to quit while I'm ahead. Just stop it all. I should start taking drugs. Over dose, end up going to LifeLine and be alone for a year. Cut off everyone. It'll be good for them in the long run. Tomarrow, I'm taking a vow of silence. I won't tell anyone I'm doing it either. No one will read this until tomarrow... Or actually I doubt anyone will read this at all. It's impossible to not talk at all... But I won't converse. Everything will be to the point and yes or no answers. Just the fact that everything I seem to do ends up making someone feel bad about themselves in the long run. It'll be better for me and better for them. Having friendships are overrated, being in love is just a cover up of pain. I'll probably call off the Lagoon meeting between me and a myspace friend. I don't think I'll be up to it. I may show up at Felicia's gig but I will just hear her play and leave. Those things aren't fun anyway.

Wow, it's amazing how allergy pills, painkillers, and alcohol can numb your mind. I doubt anything I'm typing will make any sense to me tomarrow. You probably can't even read it, it's probably that illegiable... Illegiable, is that how it's spelled? Is that even a word? I don't even know anymore. Coming down with a cold isn't really helping the fact that I hate myself right now. It's pretty sad how I'm so off topic all the time. Like just right there, one subject to another. I'm dreading tomarrow, seeing the people who secretly want me dead. The teachers who lie to my face, the kids who tell me the oppisite of their opinions. Just ignore this rant, don't comment it saying "things'll get better," "life gets bad sometimes, live it through," "Don't try drugs, it'll ruin your life," all that bull shit. I know that you're trying to be ampathdic, acting like you actually give a fuck. But you don't, you can't tell me anything I've never heard before. So don't even try. Thanks. Well I'm off to try and sleep. And think about how love is just covering up lustful feelings. Think about how shallow all of my friendships are and how fake I am. Crying yourself to sleep is a good past time. Try it sometime.

urgent blog news:

well

He came over yesterday, all the way from California. We talked about Tuesday pretty much the entire time. You're probably wondering who "he" is and who "tuesday" is and why are they so important. Well, he is one of my best friends. Tuesday is a girl who made a horrible choice of starting drugs. And when I say drugs I mean everything from Weed to cocain, from oxy cotten to lortab. We decided that we'll stick with her until she's completely gone, and if she continues on the way she is... well that won't be to far away. A lot of people don't understand why he loves her or why I even care. But it's because she is a good person, she's just really confused and having a hard time. In a couple minutes I'll be taking him to the Airport to go back home. I think our little meeting really helped both of us. He's sleeping right now, he makes cute noises when he sleeps. (:
Though this was a very serious and pretty stressful thing to discuss and meet over... we had a good time I guess. Most of our time was spent talking of Tuesday and drugs... we did have stupid conversations of Lucky Charms, music, school, and who's pillow was softer. Well, I got to go wake him up so he can pack up again and get dressed. Yeah so thanks for reading.

I'm chandler

Patrick's a good friend. He said i could use his blog to try and say how I feel. It helps and I want it somewher where it will be read.

dear god, it's me Patrick.

this is horrible. Nothing's happened, and by nothing I mean /nothing/ has happened. And I'm falling apart. You know that feeling you get when you hear terrible news? I feel like that without hearing terrible news. Oh god. This feeling, I want it to go away. Make it go away god. Make it go away. Where's a friend when you need them? Tucked in there beds dreaming. While I sit here dreading every next second this pain gets worse and worse. This may sound like I'm whining or whatever but my heart feels like it's about to explode. Could this be a medical problem? Oh god, what if it is? What if I die from a broken heart? For real this time. Imagine what I'll miss. Just imagine all the goals that will never be acheived. Imagine all the smiles never smiled and the tears never cried. Life is taken easier than it is given, have you ever noticed that? Before you're born someone goes though months of mood swings, pain, and weird food choices, while another living thing /grows/ inside of them. And then they go through birth, and god knows how painful that is. And in the end? Sometimes a life is taken just for another life, and even more rare: neither survives. In death it can be painful and difficult but it can also be easy and painfree. Wow, that really makes me want to turn everything around. Though, knowing me, I never will. I seem to be getting worse and worse. I'm becoming mean. Which is something I never wanted to be. I can insult someone and feel completely fine about, even if they never really did anything. I can hate someone without a good reason, or even any reason at all. The idea of me hating other people for no reason makes me gag. It's horrible to hate. It's horrible to love. All strong emotion is painful. People say love is wonderful but I've survived that car wreck. It's like a long heart attack that's unavoidable. You need that person to survive, you feed off of your partner's love. And no matter how strong of feeling you have (weither it be love or hate, anguish or over joy.) it always goes away. You can't sit there and tell yourself it'll never end but the truth of the matter is that it will. That's why suicide is so obsurb. And the fact that I know these things make it hard to live life. enlightenment is a bitch sometimes. The fact that I won't love to the fullest must make it that much difficult to love me. The fact that I will never fully admit how much I hate your soul will make it harder to know who your friends and who are enimies are. Knowing I'm never truley sad or truely happy makes it harder to know what I want. I'm sorry I'm so difficult and I'm sorry the people in my life have to deal with me. Honestly; if I were you, I'd give up. Patrick, what's so great about him? He's not much of an inspiration, he's not much of a fun guy, he's not much of a cool kid, he's not much of anything now is he? Other than an eye sore and the kid that'll talk your ear off.

ehem

"WHOA IS THAT DOUCHE ON ICE?" thinking it was sonny moore. and she was like
"that's one of my best friends ):" and I felt bad. Lolol.

sell out?

I don't see how everyone reads any blog writen by a user with millions of Xs in their name. But no one reads mine. Is it because you think my journal is about drugs? It's not. FUck that.

But now I feel bad. Because I have a From First to Last cd (though it was forced on me.)

and I like a my chemical romance song. It gave me chills, only good songs do that. And I've been telling people "Shut up about that song, it's whiney and it SUCKS." and I made my mom change the channel when it would come on the radio. And now I enjoy it? I feel so hypocritcal and hateful. I mean come on, it's like... I can like the song, but I'm going to say I don't and make you feel bad for liking it.

sorry

So, I'm pretty sure I have some sort of mental disability. Like, Dislexia or something. I'm in the 8th grade and I can hardly read. It takes me an hour to read a 10page chapter, while everyone else is whizzing past me. I can read fast, but then I forget what I just read, I have to see the word, read the word, and compute the word. Which takes a while for me. And words are getting harder and bigger now. So it takes longer for me to compute the words. I'm being forced to read two books. And write about them every night. I couldn't care less about either one of them. They both are boring and uninteresting. And now I wish I didn't tell my teacher that I /liked/ reading. Maybe she'd go easier on me... But I do like to read, when it's something I like. Like stories Andi writes and comic books with stupid plots. I wish I was smart, I wish I could understand things like you can, I wish I was a better student. I wish I was a better person all together. &brokenhearts;

the drugging of a life time

Death is knocking at my door

btw

MENTAL BREAK DOWN MENTAL BREAK DOWN

i had a bad day.