the drugging of a life time

christmas downer

Wow I hate the holiday season. Religion and greed clash like yellow polka dots with blue pin stripes.  My personality and happiness drop and I'm easy to tears. And of course bad things happen over and over again. I get jealous easily too. All I want is a nice little dog, Like Hemingway. I hate cats, yet that's all I get. I want a dog or a turtle, I get a cat. I want a dog, monkey, or snake, I get another cat. I still am dying to have an adorable, drooling, and stupid dog to play with and to dress in stupid outfits.  Things don't always go your way do they? Like I have SnakeBites now, I've wanted some foreverrr. But yet I look stupid with them. I am re-gauging my ears but they hurt like a fuck.  Strangers constantly reassure me that I'm pretty and nice, yet I don't beleive them.  It's probably the snow and all the baby  jesuses everywhere.

I wish life was more like Edd, Ed & Eddie. So simplistic and dumb. where 25 cents is a lot of money and people didn't ridicule the crazy kid who talks to a peice of wood. I feel like I am ruining everything.  I try to be friends with everyone but they all fight and I end up stuck in the middle. Everytime I try to do something right it ends up being wrong. And in this reality, it's not the thought that counts, it doesn't matter if you tried, if you messed up you're SCREWED.

I need to get caught up in my homework. I am always in school-work-debt. I am going to die in the real world. I will never have enough money, my kids will starve, and I will never be happily married.

I'm in love with a fictional charatcer. they may be real; but to me they are just a figment of my imagination. Everything I do just pulls me farther and farther from that person. No one really knows the way I feel, I try to tell them but I'm not good at it. It ends up offending them or it sounds fake. I should stop talking, if only that was possible.

some day I'll be saying good night for good, and everyone will forget the impact I had on them.