My Old Blog - 08:45, Wednesday, May 23, 2007 |
The Update
Wednesday, February 01, 2006 at 23:08 IST I know its been a while since I last posted but I think I realised that it would be pointless to post every god damn day……well after that short stint of exams which I was supposedly studying for turned out to be just okay….I might flunk the chem. Paper……there were two weekends during the exams the first one was spent in a coffee shop with victor and AJ. We were also accompanied by sandy and sue. They both are going a degree in a local and well reputed arts college…..they were friends from our school days…..sandy is the cool one who it the one who organises all these meetings at the coffee shop and etc….sue is the girl for whom I have a mad crush on since the first day I saw her at school….but ever since I’ve started talking to her I’ve been marooned in the friend zone…….that’s how it has been with me and girls….most girls I have a crush on turn out to be my friends……the next week end was spent in the movie ‘rang de basanti’ a good and patriotic Hindi flick……pretty interesting……it was the first time I’ve felt alone when watching a movie with friends……I was sandwiched in between Jane and the wall….Jane was busy translating the movie for Mandy and the wall is sort of reserved and never replied to my questions. Jane and Mandy are also ppl I know from school…..Jane is also my good friend Simon’s girlfriend…….but I think they have put things on hold at the moment……Monday was the last exam and we had a great party planned out for that night…..I had to deceive the mother that I was going to Antie’s chicken farm but in reality I was in Sam’s place along with AJ(who also was in Antie’s Chick farm), Patrick and another dude called Keith. Sam and Keith are both My Stupid Self
Friday, February 03, 2006 at 00:04 IST Today I just realised what a dumbass I can be……..I mentioned to AJ about this little blog a few days ago in a general conversation……I totally forgot about it and I as usual kept blogging about me life……..now he knows abt the crush on Sue…this of course is no threat but the mere fact that another person who knows me well knows about my feelings makes me feel very weird…..he does something totally out of the blue….he tells me to ask her out…this in fact stuns me in a different way…wasn’t this the guy who asked her out almost a few month ago…….doesn’t he have a fraction of those feelings left for her??? How can he ask me to do that?? I have a serious problem in me hands right now…..I can differentiate between friendship and love……..I don’t want to lose the friendship between us just becoz I’ve asked her out…..what my head tells me is that the reason that we are also this close is because of the trust that she has in me as a person and as a friend…..I don’t want to ruin that belief in me just because I have some hormone driven crush from high school….sure I’ll do nething in my capacity for her but it does not necessarily boil down to love right???? Now he tells me that she likes me too…….well I’m sure that if she doesn’t like me then she’d give the cold shoulder to me as well…..but that liking does not have to be the same as love right??? At this point of time I’m just petrified at the fact of someone else knowing about my emotions……..I don’t know what to think or do……..enough of that shit.......... I shall tell you about what happened today…well I had a good nights sleep I had to wake up to the painful screeches of the nagging mother……I had tonne of work to do and I try to do it systematically which I’m doomed never to be able to……neways I’m proud that I have managed to cheat the tickle web site and get all my full test reports for free…..I read thru them when its time to check out the fancy new gym in town…me and AJ have a pass for 3 day free work out……..them bastards make us do a tonne of cardio which I was never really fond of and few weight stuff after that I do some shoe shopping for the mother and return home to dinner and the shock which I have mentioned in good detail in the beginning of this paragraph…….I try to get advice from an old pal from my previous school and he gives me some useful tips……and Sue herself comes online…she has her French exam tomorrow and she again invites me to her college…I assure her that I’ll make it there tomorrow and also remind her to message me when she is done with her exam…….she doesn’t have a mobile phone she’d have to tell either Mandy or Sandy to do it…but I’ll bet that I wud get then message from Sandy’s phone because Mandy would be far to busy exchanging words with her 30-year old child molesting fiancée…I mean she’s not even 18 and that asswipe is around 33….he turns out to be her uncle’s best pal…….neways I suppose that’s all for today……… My Sleepless Night
Friday, February 03, 2006 at 23:22 IST Well……usually I could sleep thru everything but yesterday I couldn’t sleep at all…….I was lost in my train of thoughts until 4 am the next morning before my head started shut down for good……this led me to another predicament….I slept until 11 which absolutely disgusts the mother…..she goes on about how my future wife will not feed me and will never let me rest my sorry ass on the bed…….well all I can do is laugh about this statement because that female in my fantasies lately has been sue……..last night I went on think that I actually asked her and she said yes…..from that point on……..the stereotypical happy family was established……but what rocked me was when I tried to figure out what would happen if she said no….I would lose her as a friend….that leaves me feeling extremely sick because I get the feeling of misplaced trust and other stuff that is irrelevant but its just so god damn weird…….but I don’t generally picture myself to be devastated by a mere female but I have a weird intuition that if I get a negative from her then that is what is exactly going to happen……….after the bombardment of curses from the mother I get on me bike and head to the local stores to grab a few clothes……this is a difficult thing for me because I hate the stuff they sell in those really trendy shops around….too tight for my liking…….newayz I manage to get myself cargos and a formal shirt and I get back home to lunch made of salad….my second day at the fancy gym was just as annoying as the first….them bitches force me to do half an hour of cardio and 20 mins of weights….neways AJ and Victor are there and AJ gives me some weird glances but he doesn’t open his mouth about the issue of yesterday…….we then part ways and I head back to the damned shop from which I bought them sneakers for the mother…turns out that they don’t fit and I have the get the smaller size……..after that I return home to some crappy food and when I open up the blog page……viola…..someone who actually reads this load of junk everyday has posted a comment….thank you doc…….for your info…..I’m a guy…..I know its weird that I project myself in a very sensitive manner but aren’t we all that sensitive when it comes to our actual thoughts……I mean this blog is basically the ditto copy of the thoughts running thru my head while I’m typing and I really don’t bother filtering out nething…..and finally I didn’t meet her today since she was busy with her exams(sue) so we decided to meet up tomorrow ……….I seriously don’t know what to do yet……….. My Hibernation
Saturday, February 04, 2006 at 21:10 IST Well….as the title suggests I slept today and I slept till it was 1 pm that afternoon….I’m surprised that the mother was not around with a firing squad taking aim as I woke up….neways I do the daily essentials and I join my pc for some scrubs and lunch……then I try to avoid eye contact with the mother before she leaves the house for some sorry reason…..I then turn on the TV and watch Smallville….I really don’t follow that show but I’m not doing nething else…….then I’m joined by Sam……..he comes over to upload some of my songs on to his pod…..its a nano and damn that thing is small……well after that we head to the coffee pub where we meet up with ‘the gang’ every week…..this time it’s me, Sam, AJ, Keith, Victor, Sandy and Sue…….Sandy was busy listening to the narration of our last episode of Patrick being drunk with some pictures and videos of the event……..after that we just parted ways and went to our respective homes……after yesterday I wasn’t too surprised that I slept for so long….the thing about my sleep is that they are absolutely dreamless…….its just goes blank and then I open my eyes to a new day…….another thing I happened to notice today was that the is a silence between me and AJ that I’ve never felt before……..I think it was just me who felt a bit awkward but I think that I’m feeling more and more uncomfortable with Sue around these days……AJ and a few other have told me to make a move but I don’t know what happens to all that confidence I usually have but I just can’t get my self to open up……..I really don’t have a clue about the depths of AJ’s thoughts but I really don’t know if he would like it if I and sue got together….besides today was not the day either….there were too many people around…….AJ and Keith both of whom have been rejected by her on previous occasions were there and that by far is one of the best reasons I decided that today was not THE day……..after today I really don’t see myself asking her or progressing on with the relationship although i reallly want it to……I think one of the key factors is that I fear having to make personal commitments….and that is what is killing me right now……Sue managed to sit right in front of me today....the funniest thing is I always tried to take my eyes off her but I couldn't........even when i turned away my eyes could see her there smiling.........this feels very weird all of sudden everthing I do revolves around her and this was triggered by words from my friend who had hots for her last summer...........i think that by itself will change the way i look at sue from this point on........she has now been oficially placed in a weird zone in my social life..................i know that things will never be the same again.............i'm pathetic....as i iron my shirts i see that AJ is online on the messenger.......i think for some stupid reason that this is the right time for bringing up the biggest issue in my mind at this frame of time.........i then ask him whether he thinks that i somehow sabbotaged his relationship with Sue.......this is a totally irrelavent question but i having been feeling more and more guilty about me not helping him in whatever way i could....you see this guy has been my friend since i first saw him and i dont want to ruin that because of Sue.......i still do remember the day when she called me after he had told her his feeling for her and asked me what she should do.......but what i said might have been the reason for her rejection....i told her that she should follow her heart....but if i had told her that AJ was an awesome guy and she shud consider him then things may have been much more different.....i feel that i was biased at that point and somehow betrayed him.......now i think that being there for him and talking this out will help him but in reality i know that i need someone to talk to and be there for me............. My Psychiatrist
Sunday, February 05, 2006 at 22:09 IST Well….what can I say after yesterday's emotional breakdown I feel kind of light today....I think this blog is actually my no pay psychiatrist....all i have to do is typing every shitty notion that i have wobbling in my head and i feel that i can concentrate better and have more fun in life than before......….I get a comfortable sleep that night and to my delight I find that the mother is gone for a few days in a fortnight…..so I had to get her tickets…..I’m not into waiting in large queues so I just go over to the railway booking shithole and try to get her tickets without success after that I go and crash at Sam’s place…I get frequent calls from the mother but I just turn off my phone after about 300 and I watch the scrubs episodes that I dloaded the previous night…….then I go back home and eat that poor excuse of a meal that she has prepared and I just prance my way back to Sam’s apartment….we just sit around and being young men in a weird city like mine gives you very awkward ideas about having fun…..we decide to call people up and play them corny songs like stronger(Britney spears), show me the meaning(backstreet boys) and etc and then cut the phone for some remote reason I found it rather amusing……I think for my self I shud see a shirk………then AJ pops by….we actually tempted him that we’re making pizza and he could have a bite……but we just ate all of it…..actually speaking I think we did him a favour since he really wants to lose all that extra blubber……….then we head out to get a fag….I know that I told myself that the next time I touch that would be in my distant future but having a week off makes time run so slowly that it felt extremely long ago since my last smoke ……now that I have a brand for smokes(Marlboro) and AJ has changed from Davidoff to B & H, we get a couple and kill Sam more than us because he would be passive smoking 4………Simon calls up and we have a long discussion with him about life, love etc…..nobody still know about the whole Sue thing thanks to my really quiet friend……..Simon, who I thought wud be the last person to smoke has a brand too….its a local piece of shit neways….Andrew….he and Simon are roomies who also projected a good image of a non-smoker when we used to be in school together prefers Davidoffs……….myself and AJ discuss a few things in a hush hush tone while Sam was busy engaging himself with Simon’s endless ramblings……we head back to the local waterhole to have some cool ones….I meet some of the jerks from my class in school……..I seriously feel sorry of them lot since they have been always looked down on…….tomorrow is the day I get back to college after long spell so I’m kind of raring to go…….i think I’ve put the whole Sue thing behind me now and I hoping for a pleasant future………..i still know its not over yet….the truth will come out someday and it will haunt me…….. My Day Off
Monday, February 06, 2006 at 22:41 IST Today was supposed to be my first day back to college but it turned out that the recent events forced me to skip it…..for one the mother told me not to go…second was that the fact that the girls…..i.e. Sandy, Sue and Mandy have been inviting me to come over to their college to check the place out……this was the key reason I stayed back I suppose…….to I send sandy a sms saying that I’m free today and I’ll pop by there at lunch time……..but I know that the main reason I was going there was to get to be with sue for some time but unfortunately she had to go away on some dance gig so she wasn’t there……I realised this only after I make the commitment that I’ll be there……neways I get my sorry ass there in the scorching sun and they have the audacity to ask me to pay for my own food….hey I’m the guest here ppl!!!!!! All is not a waste, I have to meet their friend Jacob, that asswipe is making a movie and he offered me a role….he figured I’m perfect for his hero’s sidekick…….I’m supposed to be a biker boy…what ever that’s supposed to mean…neways after all that and an interesting convo with the ladies….I get back home and have my lunch….I have also confirmed the mothers departure from here and she’s leaving on the 14th…..wooooohoooooo!!!.....After that AJ stops by at my place before we hit our old gym……we don’t do much……just trying to get our old form and motivation back…….then I return home to find that some people I know around 4 of them have died in a major car crash………I was shook up for a minute there…….they were nice people and they just died………I never used to be serious about death but recent events have made me re evaluate the whole concept…….since no one very close to me have died I’m beginning to treat the death of people around me very seriously….I only met them once but they left a lasting impression on me that their demise moves me in a way that I’ve never experienced before………I know I’m being weird now….but I can’t stop thinking if Sue is all right……..I hope finishes her gig and returns back safely……..neways since I skipped college today I call in on a few friends to check up some stuff….seems that I have another boring screwed up semester waiting for me tomorrow........ on the other hand I have the weekend to look forward to……all of the gang meeting up again…..AJ Vic, Sandy and I hope Sue is back by then……. My Pain Soothing Machine
Tuesday, February 07, 2006 at 21:58 IST Well….today was a painful day…….literally painful…….I had to wake up at 4 am this morning due to a severe pain in my shoulder…..I was rocking back and forth for 3 hours in sheer agony before it subsided…during those few hours i had the weird of notions that the readers of this blog see me as a whining little wussy girl.....it was kinda disturbing to think that ppl see me that way...or was it just that i was having a bad dream....i cant say for sure....…since I skipped college yesterday I had a urge of cutting today as well….but I really wanted to go…..so I muster up all the courage I can and I fight the battle with my aching shoulder and get going……..Dina is there at the bus stop……she is a bitch…….unluckily we have to share the bus stop and the classroom for the next four years……..and she’s a pig as well……always hogging on some kind of munchies all the freaking time……..I’m seriously shocked that she has a boy friend………I mean what does that dim witted fool see in this elephant anyway???? I try hard to put that piglet out of my head but I keep seeing her every god damn day……its math first lesson today….it goes on in ordinary fashion…next is mechanics……this is a new subject this sem so I give that dude who’ll be yapping a chance to impress me……he does, in a mediocre way, and after that i have some weirdo subject which is lectured by the HoD…..he is very old and his style of teaching puts me in a trance….first I just think why the hell I’m putting up with his bullshit…then came the pleasant thoughts…….Sue…..there she was staring at me…her beautiful eyes……its just captivating……..I really don’t know what real beauty is but its always the eyes which drive me mad over someone…..I can see her eyes looking at me and I just enjoy this moment…….then I pull myself together and start picking on the guy sitting in front of me so that I don’t drift away anymore………..I manage to keep Sue outta my head until lunch…….after lunch its physics…..now not only do I see her but I can even converse with her in my head cause the moment that dickweed steps into class I’m in neverland……after that I’m on my way home and you’d have guessed by now who would be in front of me thru out the journey…..she actually makes me get rid of that pain I’ve been having all day……I get back…I have a tonne of college work which I have pending for the last month……..I just don’t want to do it…….I go to the gym and do a hell of a work out today……man I’m in for a more painful day tomorrow…….but i know that my pain soothing machine will always be there for me............ My Hero
Wednesday, February 08, 2006 at 22:13 IST Well….today was another regular day at college…..when I woke up at 7:15 this morning I felt as if I was run over by a stampede of hippos and then subjected to a complex radiation from out of space that drains the life out of your body……..I have to catch the bus at 7 45 so I muster up all the courage and strength I can at that drowsy state of mind and get going……college for me totally sucks…….the guys are down right losers and the only person I have to communicate with in a socially acceptable manner is too busy with his paperwork……this reminds me that I have twice as much of that paperwork left and I haven’t completed jack………so I just try to relax by stretching my self along the benches whenever I get some free time….after lunch I decide that there’s no point in hanging around there anymore and I find my way to AJ’s place…….we just watch a flick and talk……..we’ve always had loads to talk about and its just awesome that I have a friend like him around……..we decide to go to the local coffee pub and have a couple of fags……Vic and Pat joined us too…….but it turns out that I’m the only guy with the bread…..it’s ok for now….cause when I need cash I know that these bitches will pitch in for me………then I return home and I try to have dinner but I really can’t because I just cant………..as I sit here and type this shit out….I figure that your friends play a very important role in our lives and every moment I spend with them will have a lasting impression on me and shape my persona…..and every emotion they feel becomes as good as my own……to add to my exotic collection……Vic’s friend died in a road accident this morning and he witnessed it…..I haven’t even met this guy but I feel sorry for him…….all of a sudden I take a look at everyone around me and I can probably predict what’s going to kill them…..AJ: Lung Cancer or a road accident, Pat: Liver failure , Vic: someone beating the shit out of him……and it pains to see them in that frame of thought…….this again underlines that the I should cherish every moment I spend with them cause I’ll never know when I can’t talk to them again……….on the ride back home I chat with AJ……I think that our friendship has only been pushed to a higher level since he read my blog not so long ago………he is the quiet type and he has made sure that this whole Sue thing hasn’t been leaked out to anyone else……..I think he understands me fully since the last thing I need is a bunch of them telling me to make the move for it…….he tells me that he’s also been blogging and gives me permission to go thru it……as I read it I find out that even though a part of him hates himself for telling me to go for it he still did………damn……I mean, this guy still likes her and yet he tell me to go for it….. and as he put it in his blog he maybe a ‘tragic hero’.......well tragic hero or not i seriously wouldn't mind if he got sue because i dont think i'll ever have the courage to express myself to her.......he makes me look like a wuss whose afraid of rejection(I don't blame him) but the truth is that its not the rejection that matters to me....what matters is that if she says no, then me and her may drift apart which will hurt me alot and if she says yes then i feel that me and AJ will drift apart which will hurt just as much......its really a tough choice when it comes to girl and a friend and this is what freaks me out ………and to me I think that the real heroes are the ones who are always be there for you, no matter what and I’m very glad that I’ve found mine in him……….. My Hope
Thursday, February 09, 2006 at 21:57 IST Well…what can I say…..this morning when I woke up a bit later than I wanted to I just kind of felt bloody frustrated……then I check my mail to see if there is anything new and I find that there are new comments on my blog…..I find to see that there is a person who thinks I have pathetic grammar and another who thinks that I’m trying to be fake….then I sit in front on the computer and type out a long reply for that but now I feel that its totally unnecessary….I just figured that I just don’t give a damn about my grammar or if ppl think its fake………Anyways today was one of those days where I had to get a lot of work done…but I just couldn’t…..not because of external influence but just that I don’t want to do it……..its really screwed up because if I don’t I wont be able to do the practical next week…..neways Andrew calls up…he’s in town……he is a good friend of mine and I tell him to pop over to my palce and he does so and we have a chat……since today is a day off I call up everyone and try to arrange a get together…..but only three of them show up……we go down to the usual coffee place and we talk…….as usual we fag there….as I clutch my Marlboro I can’t stop to wonder why the hell I’m smoking…….do I think it makes me look cool?? Is it the feeling I get while smoking that drives me to continue doing it?? Is it worth dying for?? All of a sudden it struck me that I shouldn’t smoke on a regular basis or may be even quit forever…….not only am I killing myself here I’m also tempting my other non-smoking friends to try and not to mention that I’m making them passive smoke which is just as bad……….as I try to get rid of the after taste and the smell with some food I make up my mind that this habit will have to stop and what better day to do than today………Andy is fun guy and as we drive back home we were discussing on our day to day events and I causally mentioned about the blog…..he said he wanted to read it and I think what the hell…..since I don’t give a damn anymore, I told him that he could read it but also be prepared for some truth which he hasn’t heard of before……..I don’t know what I’m doing with my life at the moment……I really don’t….I don’t want to study ….I really don’t want to be dependant on my parents for more than a few years from now on……I don’t want people to hate me and I don’t want lose friends……..but all I’m thinking about now is what I don’t want to do…..when do I start thinking of things I want to do??………as I sit here with a shit load of paper work to complete I’m also thinking about Sue……..there she is somewhere in the city going on with her own life and he I am thinking about her…….I thinking whether I should be thinking about her or not……since I decided that I’m not going to ask her out………….why am I still thinking about her?? Why won’t she just disappear from my head…….oh no….I don’t want her to disappear from my head because……..I really don’t know why but she’s got to be there and she’s got to go away….I mean……everyday I keep thinking about her and I also think that I shouldn’t think about her but she just keeps coming back…………the mother wanted a loaf of bread for breakfast tomorrow so I drive to the farthest place to get it and as I drive back in a slow pace I try to sing the song ‘hold on hope’ by guided by voices…….even tough I cant sing for nuts that song means a lot to me mainly because I hope for many things……I hope that I can finish my work on time….I hope that one day that I will be with sue…….I hope that I will be successful in life………I hope that my friends will always be there for me and I hope that I’ll be a good person who is liked by everyone…..I mean this whole hope thing is phenomenal just because it gives you the sense that you can achieve everything that you want to……….. My Decisions
Friday, February 10, 2006 at 22:10 IST Well…….I was awake till one am this morning to complete a fraction of my work….I still have a major share left in the form of computers and electronics……..neways I get to bed and wake up 4 hours later……..I want to get back to bed nut I know that I can’t and so I get ready to face the day………I walk casually to the bus stop and I ignore Dina……..I don’t even want t o look at her……I stare at the ground and find so many cigarette butts lying there…….It just makes me smile……but it is kinda hard to quit smoking all of a sudden….luckily today I kept the temptations from dominating……as I think of why I want to do it…..now is not only that I feel bad doing it that makes me stop but it was also the weird look on Sue’s face on day when she heard that we guys were into fagging……..i think I’m making decisions now based on her liking and that is just funny……Decisions can be very hard but most of the time I think that I make decisions that not only make me feel better but also ones that will work for the people who are close to be....i don't know if that is being diplomatic....... but i just feel everyone around me should be happy and that itself induces happiness to me.......since i have a weird feeling (i wont call it love because frankly i dont knw what love is) for Sue so i try to make sure that when i'm around her i try to make the right choices….…anyways back to the day......I’m in a weird mood today and I can be extremely volatile….as I sit through the bus journey reading a book about college students who screwed up their lives I realise that I may follow their path if I don’t start to think straight myself……I shut the book and get off the bus and into class…….first up we have English…..screwed up subject as it is …..the old hag forces us to write a shitload of junk which I’m not going to bother looking at………then its followed by a row of various insipid lectures and then it’s time to get those crappy records signed….I manage to get one of them cleared and the other one which I completed could not be signed since that bitch of a teacher had gone home…..so I sit through a boring class of electrical shit and I am summoned by another asswipe from electronics……since I bunked the model practical the other day he wanted to have a word with me……not only that….he also promised to give me a zero for internals, not going to sign any of my shit, makes sure I get his subject for them semester practical and make sure that I flunk it……..to be frank I haven’t seen an emptier threat than n the one I just heard…..this whole thing goes for Pat as well so when we walk out of his shit hole we can stop sniggering at his poor excuse of a blasting…..but after that I was engulfed with rage…..i don’t know at what or who but I was just ballistic….i kept throwing stuff around and making a huge racket……anyways as i make my way back home I persuade those silly classmates of mine to give me their completed stuff so that I can copy the stuff of them……when I get back home I have to get some stuff done and I have to get to the gym, AJ and Andy were there pumping up some iron when I get there…..i jump in and do a few sets before we leave…….as I have to drop AJ back home we decide to go grab a cold one and on the way there AJ is in the mood for singing….he starts screaming at the top of his voice the lyrics of ‘wherever I may roam’ by metallica…just as here finishes a line the sirens on an ambulance goes off…..wow…..cool timing…neways I was kinda pissed with today but the whole day can be made fun within an instant and that itself makes life an amazing adventure….i mean one second your fuming and the next your tearing the road apart accompanied by roaring engine noise and the words of a legendary rock band…….when I check my mail I’m happy to see so many people have left comments on my blog and I would like to thank them for their time…… My Coffee
Saturday, February 11, 2006 at 21:48 IST Well…..last night Andy came over and was with me till one in the morning…..we were just talking about life and its effects on us……he left by one cause I had to go to college since my terror of a math professor had arranged special class……..so I get myself up and get going…..I leave home a bit early than usual and on my way to the bus stop I find one of my acquaintances on the road……he waves to me and we get talking…..he turns out to be in Australia and he’s doing pretty well……I think good on you mate and I wait for the bus…..since it’s a Saturday I reckon that the regular bus isn’t going to come so I carry myself to another place where I’m certain to catch the bus to college……..when I get my ass to college I find pat waiting in front of a locked classroom…we go down to the hostels and they enlighten us that bitch had cancelled the classes………I woke up early today and I’m wasting time by just farting around here…..newyas I give Andy a call and he says he’ll pick me up……so as I wait for him to do so…..one of the guys in college wanted to have fag…..since I quit I tell myself no but this dude has been asking me for company for weeks….so I go the small vendor and buy him one……I instruct him on how to do it but I keep myself away from it…….what I really can’t believe is that I have a thing called ‘will power’……maybe its because I want to stop just because I have a hypothesis that Sue finds it disgusting……..neways Andy comes around I give him a tour of the college…then we get going….pat doesn’t join us since he wanted to get some stuff signed……..as we drive back home we are listening to songs from the pod since his new car doesn’t have a sound system yet……..we are supposed to meet us at our coffee house tonight and this gig is organised by Mandy……she is under instruction from her fiancée that she should sever all contacts with us hooligans but who are her other friends……so we all are going to meet up today……Simon and Andy are in town……Alice, Mandy, Sandy, a couple of other girls and of course Sue are will turn up….and also Vic, AJ and Sam…..Tony is busy studying for the practical and Pat is doing some other shit……….I happened to be early and I was joined by the girls and there I was sitting with 6 girls….I know that this situation is a dream come true for all guys but being in it feels awkward…………when the guys do finally arrive we get inside and sit on the couches…..I really like them couches so I race to them………I was hoping that sue would sit next me but it turned out that Sam was seating his ass on that spot but as if a miracle happened Sue shot out from nowhere and she commanded him in a nice way to sit on the chair. She sits next to me.……I ask Simon to get me a coffee and he says ok….I was kinda happy for once today since i was bombarded with frequent set backs….like the no class thing and the fact that I was yelling at the mother before I got here….neways here I am sitting beside this girl of my dreams for almost three years now……what the hell do I do???? My fine mind tells instructs me with a superb idea…..strike up a conversation…oh wow thats a killer idea smartass says another part of my head but it turns out to be a sensible one too….and so I do… and I have fun talking…….not only with her but all the people around me…maybe i just like being beside her or something...it's kinda like a symbolic way of stating to the outside universe that "i'll always be on her side" or whatever but it was something which has never happened to me before....sure i've meet her a few hundred times over the years but i think this is the first time that i'm actually sitting beside her....i know that i'm being very childish but don't we all have a inner child in us and i suppose that dumbass just totally flipped when she shoved Sam to the adjacent seat and seated herself beside me…...does that mean anything or is it just that i wish it means something????.......................but then came a point when a certain event catapulted me into an uneasy situation regarding Sue…………only me and AJ knew what was going on and so we just burst out laughing when we saw each other….and we were laughing so damn hard that everyone stopped what they were doing and was focusing all their attention on us…….AJ attempted to tell everyone something but I managed to stop him…..then it takes a while before this whole thing is forgotten and we get back to the whole having fun bit....Simon and me were bent on making a couple of the girls lesbians so that we can watch them get it on....since they were the shy kind they kept on blushing………..even tough I never got about telling anyone anything today’s coffee thing made me really happy……maybe because I got to meet up with my friends, maybe it was having a good laugh or maybe it was because I was next to sue the whole evening………whatever it was I left the place much happier than when I walked in, even if i didn't get my coffee My Confusion
Sunday, February 12, 2006 at 22:07 IST Well…..since last night I was busy working on the college work that I have been talking about finishing…..Now I have Andy for help……the guy sat with me almost through then night doing my stuff…….nice guy...i mean this guy is on holiday and he spends it doing some of my work...the assholes who live here won't do anything like this…I really appreciate his help…but the mother is not impressed……she’s always been like that……she always makes me out to be a prick…..it’s really annoying….neways after Andrew went home at about 1 AM, Vic and Tony went to bed…..I kept on doing that shit load of work until 4 AM this morning before I decide that it’s time to hit the sleeping back(since all the beds are taken)……….I woke at around 8 AM and the three of us had breakfast……..then those two useless pieces of shits went away and surprisingly Andy found his way back home to help me complete the pending work….thanks to the guy I’m 80% done with the work………after he leaves I continue doing the stuff when I came to know that the mother is not going away this week…..now she wants to cancel the train tickets I booked for her a week back….I slowly break to her that there is no refund for the tickets booked on credit card….this ticks her off and she disappears yelling….I totally ignore her….for the past two days she has been a absolute annoying pain……….I tell myself I have to get the hell out of this hole before the mother drives me nuts….I sit and try to complete more of my work and then I get ready to go to the biggest cultural event in the city right now……some good actors are supposed to be here for it so I go with Vic and Andy to get a glimpse of celebrities…….Sandy, Mandy, Nancy and Jane are already there waiting for us……Sue is going to be performing on stage this evening…..since I’ve never seen her on an actual gig before I’m eager to see her do her thing…….we have trouble getting in but we eventually sneak thru……then we sit around a chat about stuff and never really paid attention to the show……..but sadly I had to get going and so I had to miss Sue’s dance…this was a dissapointment for me since i was hoping to meet Sue today and maybe enjoy her company for two days in a trot........the ride back home was awesome, there were 8 of us squeezed into a single car and the stuff we did was unbelievably insane…we were driving fast doing weird overtaking stunts and not to mention arguing about some stupid ad all the way back…..when I return back home its back to the nagging whines of the mother…….nowadays I don’t seem to find any sense in her conversations with me….it all sounds like a shrieking high pitched noise which I have found the talent to block it totally out of my system……..I sit here thinking about yesterday and besides the fact that I was really happy I was sitting next t o sue, something else was affecting me in some way….I don’t know how to describe it but I felt more happier, more confident, more energetic than usual which I totally lack when I’m at home…….I tend to be a better person when I’m around sue….I dunno if its for real but I kinda feel that way….maybe its because I want to be a better person when she’s around or damn….I seriously don’t know what the hell I’m talking about……and then it struck me….what is a better person…..why am I changing just for her……..does this mean that I love her……..I don’t even know that…….I cant differentiate whether I’m actually falling for her or not.......i have to make my mind up…after yesterday i wanted to make a move....either i get on with my life... forget my feelings for her and look to the future or go ahead and tell her how i feel........but then agian comes the crappy notion that if i do that then i may destroy the fragile balance which exsists around us........do i really want to do that......a part of me says yes another says no.......a part of me sees her feeling the same way i do..another part of me sees her as a good friend whom i have the most respect for....i really can't decide…i think i'm going to let all my friends in on this........i really need help……………. My Responsibilities
Monday, February 13, 2006 at 22:50 IST Well….today was the day when I can get all those shitty records signed from those damned professors…..I mean I’ve finally completed them…….I’m supposed to get to pat’s house so that we can make a trip to college……as soon we get there I’m collided with bad news….the HoD wants to bite my ass for something……the HoD is responsible for his department as a whole…..so the most effective way to screw a student is to tell on him to the HoD…….I reckon it’s that bastard who refused to sign my work last week………..so I get in the Chemistry lab and do the experiment…..it’s an easy but long one….I manage to do it well….it’s time for viva voce…….the female who is the external examiner asks me some questions which I give confident replies to….she’s impressed and gives me a good mark…..then it’s time to go face to face with the big man….I go there and tell him the he wanted to see me….he tells me in a humble tone to go kiss that bastard's ass and get some internal marks……and so I go to Satan’s office and submit my record….as he slowly corrects it…his colleague calls him to grab a bite and that guy notices me….he starts quizzing me on the subject…….since I’m able to answer his prodding…Satan is impressed he tells me that every right answer is +5 and every wrong one is -5….I get two right followed by two wrong……I’m back where I started……they are impatient so the lays it out like this…..one question…one answer…..full internal marks………as his lips move and his larynx produces the sound of the question….my brain starts to work in a pace that was present before I got to this country….within microseconds….the answer was taking cohesion in my own voice box…..as I finish my long answer….I see that I have left them both stunned…….Satan was ecstatic….the other dude is like ‘even your seniors can’t answer this question in the manner you did’……I’m speechless…..from practically nothing I’ve topped the class……..this is amazing………as I get back home I decide to meet Simon before he leaves…….after a frame of pool…..we get outside for some chit chat……..as he lights up his fag….I’m very much tempted to do the same……..but a vision crossed my mind……….it was in the form of Sue……..I think I saw her just looking at me when I’m about to light up….she wasn’t very impressed…..so I tell myself a strong ‘NO’ and get back to the conversation……..we are talking about the various financial constraints we are placed under since we are still dependant on the parents………we think it’s time that we got a job…a few idea shine bright in our head…but eventually I know that all I need is a job that pays a decent amount of money………If I ever make a move for sue, I suppose I would have a job by then…….I should be able to support the expenses of the girlfriend on my own two shoulders…..I mean if I need a raise in allowance the mother will absolutely kick my ass all over my neighbourhood and maybe still have the energy to nag me all day………I feel this way because I think its time for me to take responsibility for my doings in the world today…..just like this morning when I stood up for myself cutting class to the HoD…..as I stood up for what knowledge resides inside of me…..as I stood up against smoking……as I think of getting the job….naturally I’m thinking of what I’ll do with the dough once I start earning it………I suppose I’ll ask her out…..maybe I’ll take her to a fancy restaurant…..maybe she doesn’t like that kind of formal shit……maybe I can get her something……..maybe……maybe I can stop thinking of how to spend the cash I don’t have and start to think about making some cash instead……as I talk to Rudy over the phone later this evening ……he doesn’t have words to say after reading my blog…..I glorify myself for being a good secret keeper……I think it will add to my resume when I apply to be a spy……..my recent career analysis say I should take up a career similar to that of a CIA operative…………as I sit now in front of my Physics book and try to revise the formulae for tomorrows exam I’m amused at the fact that I got away with things that I usually wouldn’t expect to get away with…..I suppose that is just how life is………… My Image
Tuesday, February 14, 2006 at 22:33 IST Well………today I want to wake up early……..but I wake up late as usual….the computer bitch wanted to see me by 11 this morning but I knew that I will be late so I casually get things done and I’m off to the college….as I try to study for the pracs today last night I get really bored so I haven’t learnt anything but the first lesson……so I get to college by 11 30………I find that female and she gives me lip as she scribbles my record with red ink………I keep my mouth shut and get the whole correction process over with….now it’s time to bind all that mess which good ol’andy help me finish……I find a place where the female who does the shit is a raving lunatic…..she keeps swearing at everyone….guess it’s a bad day for her…..as I rush back to the college after getting that junk bound I skid and fall in the parking lot…..bit embarrassing but I don’t care at that moment as I have to get all the stuff signed by various people…….I can’t find anyone before the exam so I get inside the lab and thanks to my hate of god I get the only experiment I studied for….I mean this was the only thing I know how to do…as I do the experiment I’m thinking about Sue…don’t know why but it kinda makes me feel good when she’s around…i think her mere presence dans moi tete makes confidence explode all over me.....the external examiner asks me questions with a pace similar to those weird rapid fire rounds in quiz shows.....i answer most of them correctly with a pace that matches her own....she's kinda impressed and asks me to leave before shw thinks of more questions..........I get it over with in an hour and I’m off scouting for them jackasses who are eligible to sign my crap………I don’t find them anywhere……not a single one …..where the hell are they hiding??? So I resign to the fact that I have to spend another day arriving early to get the stuff signed and I go to the canteen to grab a bite…….on my way there I find one of the bastards who can sign my record………I get it done but he also gives me cheek………I don’t care….a third of my work is done…..next is to find the HoD…I don’t find him but I do find the computer bitch…..she’s happy that I’ve managed to get the shit bound and indexed in time…..after that I find the HoD….he is unhappy that I didn’t inform him about the whole one question….full marks shit…..but I butter him up in a way so that he forgot the whole thing…….I have a decent chat with the guy before I leave him eating my dust………it’s important that I have a good rapport with grandpa…dont know how many times i'll have to meet the dude in the three years…..so only one more to go……this guy who I have to meet next is freaky….he’s extremely religious and yet he looks all rowdy and shit, when I walk into the office…..there is absolute quiet…….I mean you could hear an ant farting in that kind of silence………neways he doesn’t speak a word….all he does is mark a religious symbol on the top of the sheet and signs it……….all right…….my work is over….I’m free…I’m ecstatic….I can also picture sue with a happy face just so damn proud of me that I’ve completed in 5 days which took major part of the rest of the class almost a month….its a time to celebrate…..so I get back home, put my feet on the table and listen to good music……….this is relaxing….as I flip thru the signed work, I feel as if the two tonne weight have lifted off on my tired sore shoulders…I find that Simon has given me a call when I was at college….when I return his call it seems that he has successfully read thru my blog….the reaction he gives is priceless…..’motherfucking bastard’…he is just do flummoxed at the fact that I haven’t told anyone about my thingy for Sue for so god damn long……now I head to the gym….AJ is back and he’s has been getting his new bike in pieces now……….I wouldn’t be surprised if he got a tin of paint in the next shipment…..neways we don’t do much of a work out……..we get to our hang out at our spot and have a cold one……….I wanted something to apply on my lips since they are cracking……I don’t know what to call it so I say I want chap stick….that son of a gun doesn’t bother correcting me and I end up asking the sales lady for chap stick…..she glares at me for sec and said that they were out of chap stick…….the dick then tells me that what I’m actually looking for is lip balm……so screw it……he’s had his fun for today……I get on my bike and race away……I do some dangerous stuff to get home and probably one of the fastest drives of my life…..I almost managed to hit three other motorists in the process as I slow down I realise why….my headlights wasn’t on and they couldn’t see me….holy shit they would be cursing me at this moment…….anyways I get back home and relax yet again………..as I take my mind of current situations it is always replaced by one vision…..Sue……I mean I feel as if that she’s always around me looking over everything I do…..laughing when i do or say something stupid….smiling when I do some amazing shit…….I can also see her concerned face when I’m in deep shit as well……I don’t know if this is love or obsession….I keep thinking about her and I always tend to go to her whenever I’m in need of someone…..I don’t really go to her but I go to the image of her in my head……….and this image as been comforting me for the past three years……. I don’t know what I would do without it………….I really don’t……….. My Reasons
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