Me, MySelf and MyBlog

Tuesday, April 3, 2007 - To Be Fake

Today my mom told me I should talk to someone and I can’t talk to her because sometimes I can’t. She suggested a shrink but what is the point of people telling you there problems, they’ve got their own problems like everyone does and I’ve got too much people in my life right now and I don’t want to had councealer to that. So I’m not talking. Instead I’m writing, to you. I don’t know where to start. Let’s start with my school. My school is a good school and some of the people in there aren’t so good. They lie, they leave and they all have great reasons to leave but it still hurts and sometimes they come back. I think it all started when I moved house. When I changed country, when I changed language, when I changed friends. I guess all those changes changed me. I am covered from head to toes with issues, I’m not an easy person. And today my mom said something which kind of got stuck into my mind. « How can we help you if you keep pushing people away ? » And I don’t have an answer to that question. I don’t know why. I don’t know if I’m ever going to be able to answer that question. I guess I’m scared of telling them the truth. The truth about me, about who I am. I guess I need to figure out my life out before talking to someone. I lie to people because I don’t think I’m good enough to tell them the truth. I kind of tell people what they want to hear. If I could erase every lies I told I would but I guess this is never going to happen. I mean I lie to my own family, what kind of person that makes me ? I’m different from other people, I’m scared of what people think of me. And I know I shouldn’t but I do. I don’t blame people anymore. It’s too much pain to store. It’s too much truth to see. So I hide it but it’s always there.It will always be there.And I wish I would have dealed with it instead of hiding it. « The Truth will set you free » I believe in that sentence but I’m scared of acting like that sentence because I don’t know what’s going to happen. I wish there was a way you could tell what’s going to happen so you could prevent things before they happen. My mom suggested I change school, but what for ? To avoid problems again instead of dealing with them. It won’t make them go away.It will stuff them with bright new lies. If I change school, it’s going to be back to France but I don’t want to go back to France, I want to stay in England or maybe they can send me somewhere else like America. Somewhere else. Somewhere different.Somewhere new.Somewhere where I can start over.Somewhere where I can be the person I’ve always wanted to be. It won’t be that easy. I know that. But you can never get anywhere if you don’t try in the first place. I want a new chance kind of like a new start. So that I can tell people who I really am.

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