My testimony

 This is the testimoney i gave to a group of 25 women in prison.   Its only by God Grace that 20 of them came foward that day to accept the Lord.  I never thought God could ever use my story to help others.

I love other people's stories.   I had share this on myspace before i moved my blog, but want to put it here too.   Sometimes it is good to look back at your life, learn from it, and become a better person!

This is what I shared last month at the Women Prison i minister to...

I grew up in a Conservative Baptist home. Throughout my childhood, I was taught to pray, ask God for forgiveness, and I did. I was always "the" good girl. I never was in trouble at school. I was an obedient child and never caused trouble. I was taking care of my brother and sister by the age of 11, cooking for the whole family by the age of 12, our mother always being ill. I was working by 14, paying for all my school supplies, clothes and what not. I was very sincere in my Faith, praying and reading my Bible everyday from the time i was 8 years old.

But for some reasons i didnt know and found out later ... i was very unhappy. I was very lonely, felt like an outcast most of my childhood and teenage years. I was made fun of for not partying, not going out with boys, not doing drugs, not having sex. I was even beat up a few times, trown eggs at and humiliated, called "virgin mary" for a long time. haha By 15 I was a sunday school teacher every sunday, worked as a teacher at summer bible camp and had a highschool christian music radio program, and was humiliated even more.

What most people couldnt tell... is that I felt totally miserable. I felt that everything I was doing was only superficial. I saw God as a mean judge, waving a baseball bat at me from above saying "you better not mess up!" My legalistic background had taught me to obey God thru fear, not thru thankfulness. I would cry out to God every night, asking Him why me. Why couldnt I have a boyfriend, why couldnt I dress "hot" like all the other girls. As a teenager, everthing became a "what i was not allowed to do". On the other hand, I enjoyed doing what I thought was right. I was determined to remain a virgin until mariage and never kissed a man until I knew he was going to be that man I would marry.

I met my ex husband  when i was 16.  He was 16 years older than me, a Baptist Fundamentalist pastor. Everything seemed to be working out for me, I thought. Nothing better than marrying a minister right?

I was not convinced i should marry that man; he was cold, barely ever smiled, just was not the nicest, but he convinced me that he was just depressed and having me as a wife would solve all his problems. haha

By than, I was trying to deal with my anger towards God by doing more "good" things for what i thought was sacrifices for God. I was offered 3 full medical scholarship at 18 and refused them as I wanted to become a Stay at home mom and have a carreer later on instead. After all, i was taught that this was the only way for women. I did a lot of things I thought were pleasing to God. I pretty much put God in a box; everything was black or white.

After I married my ex husband, 3 weeks after i graduated from Highschool, he became obssessive right away. Actually told me on our wedding night on the way to our honeymoon that I was now his, and he was the leader, and my submission to him was not an options. What a great way to celebrate! haha He became more and more obssessed.

I had to ask his permission for everything. I couldnt leave the house, or talk to my family, nor have friends over. Not only did i obey all his rules, i typed his own sermons.

He would leave me those yellow sticky notes all around the house. On the cubboard it would say "those are kinda dirty" on the phone "NO long distance", on the bathroom door "did you ask before taking a shower, maybe i needed you" It was totally insane.

A few months after we got married, he was actually asked to leave the church he was ministering at. He than became a Menonite minister, often preaching about women's submission. There were no way i could find support in the church. We had also moved 2000 miles away from family, and I didnt know english, so i felt totally abandonned and trapped. "He didnt hit me" i thought... and he didnt cheat on me... therefore, i cant leave him.!! His abuse became more and more severe, especially after we had our first son; I was giving a list of about 100 rules, one of them being "the children were going to be my responsabity, not him" Needless to say, he was not being a father to his children either. He than started to not hit me directly, but push me in a corner, intimidate me, push the chair i sat on , scaring me, and I would often wake up at night having a hard time breathing, finding him on top of me doing his thing.

I was totally feeling dead, in my heart, in my head. I didnt know who i was anymore. Here i was.. married to a minister, one that everyong else adored in the church, finding him such a great man of God, such a religious man! being convinced there were no way out for me. I kept praying, and hoping; by now my prayers were about not giving up on God himself.

In 1999, I got pregnant with twins. Having children was THE one thing that brought me true happiness. I couldnt count on my husband to help, but at least I did enjoy being a mother. My children made me happy. We were visiting a couple in a far away town in the mountain, far from a good hospital, when i went into premature labor. In the ambulance taking me to the next big town, which was 90 mins drive, i kept asking God to save my babies, that i dont think i could forgive him if they died. My children being my reason for living. When we got to the hospital, the doctor told me one of the babies had no heart beat and the other one was in distress. My first daughter was born still born. She was beautiful. She looked like an angel. I named her Joanie Hope. As I was hopeful that my second daughter would be ok. My second daughter was born , but was barely breathing. After trying to make her breath better, the staff told me she had passed away as well. I named her Jaelle Faith... to help me keep my faith. But inside, I died too.

I was giving sedative to stop sobbing. I was not hysteric and i dont think it was needed.... any mother would need to cry the death of 2 of her babies! When i woke up 4 hours later, I saw the 2 babies laying on a table next to me. A nurse came, than exclaimed "Oh my God!!!" she called for help.. and a doctor came. He said "give her to her mother..... with tears in his eyes, apologising... he said "your daughter still has a heartbeat... but she is just about gone... " They had let my baby on a cold table, dying on her own... she must of started breathing on her own right after they thought she couldnt... and left her for dead. I dont actually remember breathing. I felt my heart litteraly break; i cant explain it... I think some of you must of had that feeling when you were taken away from your own children..... and as a mother... we all know its the most horrid feeling of all. My daughter died a few minutes after i held her.... as if she was waiting for me... I told her "its ok honey... go see your sister... its ok... stop fighting.. im here now, just go!!"

Needless to say... i became a zombie. I was already broken from a abusive mariage, and this had totally destroyed me. Back home, my husband was telling me i shouldnt cry, that this was God's will. I became pregnant right away after this, and named our second son "Zachary" which mean "The Lord remembers" Even tho by than i didnt want to have anything to do with God, i was still hoping that one day i would feel close to him again. I felt betrayed by God. I felt I had done everythign that was right and should of been rewarded with a great life.

After my twins' death and the birth of my second son, Something in me changed. I realised that religion had made me very judgmental of others. I started to be disgusted by myself, and feeling extremelly guilty. I got a new found strenght to nicely talk back to my ex about his unrealistic requests on everything. Of course he got worse, calling me rebellious and unsubmissive.

One day, as i was going to get milk for the boys, as I was about to pay, i realised my ex had taking out my bank card away again, as i was suppose to ask his permission to use it... and i forgot! This very powerful will came upon me that i SHOULDN'T go back home. It didnt matter that i didnt have anything with me but the clothes on our back. It didnt matter that i had absolutely no where to go... i just strongly felt that i should NOT go home. And I didnt. I walked 4 hours in a-30 weather, a 2yo in a stroller, and a 9mo on my back... and never looked back. I stopped at a church member's house, and she helped me get to a women's shelter. That was it, just like that.....

As I had left with nothing and was litteraly in the street with 2 young boys, angry at God, I thought I had no reasons to come to Him again, as i was convinced he was going to severely punish me for geting a divorce anyway. ME, getting a divorce!!! haha I still saw Him as a harsh father instead of a loving one.

And i was amazed how alive i felt... all over sudden... I felt like a person again. I moved back into my hometown, after not talking or seeing my family for over 3 years. By now, my parents had also realised how their religious fundamentalist ways were not the way of God, but the way religious people do to claim they are right before God. They apologised for the way they raised me spiritualy.

Not believing in religion anymore, i slowly felt thisty again to experience a relationshipt with God, but i couldnt let go of all I went thru, blaming it on Him. I innocently asked him to prove to me he was there for me and not againts me.

The next morning, as we slept on an old matress on the floor and ate on the bare floor, i oppened my front door to see about 20 black garbage bags, a crib, a table set and a mountain of toys.... I looked around to see no one. I thanked God sobbing. The clothes were all the perfect sizes for my children, and for me also. I still dont know who did this, put im pretty sure it came from the catholic churh right infront of where i was staying... its still a pure mystery... a mystery of God!!

Shortly after i filed for divorce, I met who is now my husband. I was already receiving over 80 emails and letters and phone calls a day from people I truly cared about... telling me i was loosing my salvation for divorcing, that i was now following satan, etc. some even told me that i should of stayed with my ex husband even if he had killed me, using bible verses to prove their point. I didnt want to read my Bible anymoe either, because all I knew was the teaching i had received and even tho i tried to read it with a new state of Mind, i couldnt... I didnt know God anymore. 

After i met Jay, I felt true love with him. I didnt undersand how God could keep me from the love of a man. I didnt understand anymore that there were a good way, and a bad. I wanted to do it my own way, feeling doing his His way only brought me pain and suffering for so long. I didnt want to be Job anymore.

Jay and I couldnt see each other often, because he lived over 2000 miles away, and the fact that we had met on the internet made people talk even more. In February 2003, I got pregnant, still waiting for my divorce to go thru, my ex refusing to sign, saying i will be his wife forever. Jay and I being seperated thru distance and immigration process, i felt angry... yet i felt i deserved this "natural consequence" of my sin. Yet I still blamed it on God.  I knew i had done thing my own way, got pregnant  and had to deal with being judged.   Being told i was following Satan.. and my baby was from the devil.... grew my anger, yet, i started to realise how it didnt matter, because I knew i was not the person they were telling me i was.... and I knew God had to see me for who i really was.   I knew God was judging my intentions, and not only my action. He knew why i did what i did...

 In october of that year, the judge grant me the divorce, 2 weeks later, Jay and I got married, and 5 days later, our daughter was born. All that time, i was certain that God would judge me, end my life, or punish me by taking the life of "another" of my childrend... for living the way i did for 2 years. When I saw that he didnt.... I named my daughter Grace. I would look back at the way everything fell into place, despite my sins... and the only reasons i saw was how gracious he was... all over sudden, i didnt feel judged by him, i felt he understood... and i wanted to spend the rest of my life thanking him for this.

God knows when YOU are broken. God knows what you are feeling. God knows what you are thinking, why not tell HIM anyway!!! As soon as i started telling him how mad I was at Him, he started showing me He loves me despite how i feel about him. Instead of being punished by him, i was lifted. Instead of getting enemies, i got friends. Instead of feeling dead, i felt alive. The more I became sincere and honest with Him, he showed himself to me.

I might of never spent time in prison , but I felt like a prisoner for such a long time.

There is no differences between you and me. God sees YOU the same he sees me, and anyone out there. He sees you as a woman, as a mother, as a sister, as someone's best friend, someone's daughter. God knows why you are here. God sees your heart and your intentions before the world sees your actions. Our pastor said a quote that really stuck to me and let me understand most of my past; he said "We judge ourselves by our intentions; others judge us by our actions" That is why we hurt... that is why you hurt... but you know your own heart, you know why you did what you did, and most of all, God knows!! God saw your struggles and the choices you had to make even before you made it. We all have to live consequences for our actions, but God sees our heart first.

We can all look back and think abou our most vulnerable time and realise we could of made a choice to bring us right here with you. I could of done things when i felt lost. I could of done things when i didnt care, or when i felt the most anger, or when i felt the most rebellious. Why i didnt? I dont know! but i know i was capable of them! SO is there a difference between the ones that get caught, and the ones that doestn? we have said this before here... If all heart were exposed.. we'd all deserve to be here one way or the other!

Maybe some of you are where i was years ago.. so angry at God and thinking WHY me?? and you have the right to feel so. Tell him. Be honest. Tell him to show you He didnt forget you, and believe me He will not let you down. Of course if you ask him "I want to be outta here tomorow", dont be surprised if it doesnt happen. hahaha but he wants your heart!!! If you give him your heart, he will give you more than you coulf of ever imagine, and you will feel FREE whenever you are. Try to take this period of your life as a opportunity to get closer to him, So you will never have to fight so hard between making the right, or wrong choice. We all make bad choices. We all make bad choices without wanting to. And we all make bad choices totally knowing what we are doing. THe key is to learn from them!

God is NOT a religion. People often say "I am not religious". Well I am not religious either. I have associated with 4 different religious group, in fact, i didnt go to church for over 4 years, because after i felt close to God again, i didnt want anyone to tell me God was this, or that, and I was just satisfied with my new way of seeing my Father up there! But I found our wonderful church where i do believe nobody judge for one's action, but for one's intentions, and that is a wonderful feeling. You have the privilege here to know that you are all in the same boat. I am sure most of you already got some of the best friends you ever had here. And just think that maybe that is one way God speak to you! I know that God loves me, and its not a baseball bat he is holding above my head waiting for me to mess up, but a craddle to rock me in when I feel I dont deserve his grace.

Oh... I am now remarried to a wonderful man. We like to say that we saved each other, or that God saved us from bringing us together. If I wouldnt know he used to be a violent alcoholic, his best hobby being fighting at bars, I wouldnt believe it. God does change someone heart. I might of been a "good" girl, but believe me i needed my heart to change. Sometimes, the people that think they are best, are the worse. So God used me to prove to my husband that miracle exist, and he sure used him to prove to me the same! I can honestly say that i have no anger left in me, in fact, people tell me all the time how calm i am and patient, my husband the first, wondering how i put up with him, even tho i think he is wonderful haha We now have a gorgeous daughter together, a girl i thought i would never have... spoiled by 3 older brothers.

Oh and by the way, my children take pleasure into saying in public that they all went and eat at Frish's when mommy was in prison,here ... haha and you know what.. .i dont even take the time to explain at all the people staring at me why exactly, because i dont care what they think, God knows, and he knows how much we care and pray for you girls in here!

Thank you!

05:05 - Saturday, April 14, 2007 - post comment

What a great testimony!

Thanks for the positive comments you left on my blog today. It made my day.

My wife and I lost twin girls in 1989. We have also been stung my legalism and a false view of the "Big Hammer God" just waiting to squash us.

You have a great blog, keep up the good work!

Mac

beloblog - 01:04 - Friday, January 11, 2008

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Still thinking about you :)

Hey Lisanne.. Chaque fois que je lis ton temoignage, je ne peux m<enpecher de pleurer. J'étais juste au dessu de chez toi... tu me manques. J'aimerais tellement te donner un gros calin.
Isabelle.

Anonymous - 05:38 - Saturday, October 25, 2008

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