that just seems to be my new theme nowadays.  i'm over everything right now.  i like my job and i can handle the different personalities at work...i'm just going to continue to focus on my career. 

the holidays are going to be weird this year.  everything's different.  for the first time in like 8 years, i do not have a boyfriend to buy gifts for.  it's depressing.  i know, i could have one...but i'm just not ready.  i'm proud of myself for sticking to my guns and not settling for anything less than what i deserve.  on the other side of things, my aunt and uncle are divorcing...i'm just curious to see how that's all going to turn out.  it's just weird. 

sometimes all i need is a hug from someone who cares. 

that's how i'm feeling these days.  almost everyday i come home from work, i feel like i need a nice stiff alcoholic beverage to make me feel better.  maybe i'm just losing my patience with inexperience people or with the way some of these kids are.  the kids in the group home are just so ungrateful and cannot see past their own wants.  i understand that they have been through a lot and are in placement.  but that doesn't give you the right to be a spoiled brat.  what pisses me off the most is the way the staff react to these kids.  the staff give into them if they cause enough of a fuss and when i hold my ground, i get underminded in front of the kids.  whatever. 

that's why i'm glad i got the new position.  i'm only around the kids in the group home a couple of times a week for a maximum of like 10 hours or less a week.  much more manageable.  i'm liking my new job so far.  i'm being eased into it, which is nice.  i'm learning about the people i work with, which is a job in itself. 

in other news, i'm throughly enjoying the single life.  it's so nice to not have to answer to anybody and i can come and go as i please.  i do miss being held and having that constant support.  but i'm thankful enough to have great friends around to be there when i need them.  lauren moved back to town and thank god for that.  i'm also lucky to have such a great roommate.  he's such a nice kid and so helpful.  i really am a lucky girl. 

"Better In Time"

It's been the longest winter without you
I didn't know where to turn to
See somehow I can't forget you
After all that we've been through

Going coming thought I heard a knock
Who's there no one
Thinking that I deserve it
Now I realize that I really didn't know
If you didn't notice you mean everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'm gonna be OK

[Chorus:]
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

I couldn't turn on the TV
Without something there to remind me
Was it all that easy
To just put aside your feelings

If I'm dreaming don't wanna laugh
Hurt my feelings but that's the path
I believe in
And I know that time will heal it
If you didn't notice boy you meant everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'm gonna be OK

[Chorus:]
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

Since there's no more you and me
It's time I let you go
So I can be free
And live my life how it should be
No matter how hard it is I'll be fine without you
Yes I will

[Chorus: X2]
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

i just don't get it.  how can you continuously tell someone something and they still don't get it.  doesn't he understand that everytime we talk about "us" that it hurts, that it makes me feel guilty for hurting him and wanting my space.  i can't deal with a relationship right now.  i have too much stuff going on.  it isn't fair for me to just string someone along.  i'm trying to de-stress my life as much as possible right now, and he just adds stress.  he hasn't proved to me he changed.  he's still concerned about himself and what he wants.  i just want him to respect my wishes.  why is that so hard?!

i want to see him, i would love to see him and have him hold me.  and at the same time i need to figure out what i truly want in life.  we both have a lot to work on before we could ever be an "us" again.  i think it would be best to cut off all contact with him for a while.  the wounds are just too fresh right now....

and a positive note, my best friend is moving back to town!!  my dad found an apt.  it's not the greatest, but it was something.  and my interview seemed to go really well, so cross your fingers!!

so this past week has been full of bad news.  i found out that my uncle recently moved out and there's a really good chance that him and my aunt will be getting a divorce.  it's just upsetting to me because that's home.  that is where i feel the safest and now it's uncertain.  i know that i am still welcome there, but now it's different.  it feels like it's my own parents divorcing. 

then don calls me to yell at me for emailing a good friend of mine.  that's right, he checked my email.  i lost all trust i had in him.  i love him, i honestly do, but i will not put up with that crap.  i told him off and deleted his number out of my phone.  he kept telling me how much he changed, and that just proved that he hasn't at all. 

and last but not least, i get a phone call from my dad today telling me that he has to be out of his apt by monday otherwise he'll be homeless.  what am i suppose to do?!  i'm not in a position to help out financially, and i can't find an apt for him.  i just feel so helpless.  i had to cancel my plans on saturday to go up there to help them move their stuff.  i'm just praying endlessly that they find something.  and what happens if they don't?  and it's not just my dad.  my 13 year old brother lives there and my 18 year old sister.  part of me feels like i should do everything in my power to help. and the other half is angry that this even has to happen.  i'm angry at my father for not taking care of this issue earlier.  he says he has done everything in his power.  and i honestly think that he believes that.  however, i know he is capable of so much more. 

i'm just so numb to all of this pain.  i need to work through it, but i just don't know where to start.

on a positive note - i have an interview for a different position at work which means a pay raise.  so let's pray that i get it! 

overall i am loving pittsburgh.  it still doesn't feel real to me that i'm in the 'real world' and i don't have the safety net of being in college anymore.  i miss college, i miss how fun things were.  i miss meeting new people and hanging out.

on the other hand i can never go back.  i appreciate what i had.  i like the adult life though.  i'm enjoying the challenges of only working 40 hours a week and learning who i am.  being single is tough.  it forces me to focus on myself and i'm learning how to manage anything that comes my way.  i'm learning how to work through the grudges i've held for so long.  i need to let them go if i'm ever going to be able to commit to a relationship.

last week i visted a friend that i hadn't seen in 2 years.  it was great to see him.  he was the perfect gentlemen all night and even offered his bed for me to sleep in, and he would take the couch.  he opened doors for me, paid for everything and never once expected anything in return.  of course, i told him thank you and that i appreciated it.  and he was satisfied with that.  it was so refreshing.  i deserve that all the time from the man i love.  i don't want to settle for anything less.  i deserve to be taken care of.  i don't think it's too much to ask.  yes, i am independent and i like to do things for myself, however i love being taken care of.  i know that i can take care of myself, i've been doing it my whole life. 

as much as i fight against the traditional gender roles, i desperately want them.  i will still have my career always, even if that means part time.  i like to cook, clean, do the laundry.  i would rather do it and do it my way, than have someone else do it and i complain about it.  i want someone to take care of me so i can feel secure and loved and wanted and cherished.  and i would do the same.

i know what i want and deserve in a relationship and i won't settle for anything less.  obviously i'm not nieve, and i know that nothing is perfect.  however i know that what i want is possible.

things in my life are really starting to change.  i recently moved to pittsburgh and started my new job.  i guess i was expecting more out of it, but i am essentially just a babysitter.  i have a hard time working with some of the staff because of the way they treat the kids.  don't get me wrong, there's some amazing staff that work there, but there are some bad apples.  all i can do is refuse to participate in a restraint if it's done incorrectly.  obviously there's no such thing as a perfect one, but you can tell the difference if someone is trying to do it right or just doesn't care.

other than work, the only other new development in my life is that don and i are no longer together.  i just need to learn how to do things on my own without a boy around.  i haven't been single since like 8th grade.  i consider myself to be this independent person, yet i've never proven it.  it's heartbreaking and extremely difficult to not talk to don everyday, but i need to do this.  i believe this will make me stronger.  i believe that don and i still have a future if were both willing to fight for it.  i love him more than i've ever loved anyone.  he is my best friend and my biggest supporter.  our relationship just got stagnat and i don't want to be in a relationship just to be in one.  i want to be with someone because i can't live without him.  i feel like after 3 years there should be a turning point in the relationship, not that i want to get married anytime soon, but nonetheless.  just some sort of committment leading that way. 

i think the best thing i can do now is to focus my energy on myself and my relationship with God.  i have fallen so far away from him that i forgot who i am.  i feel i need to repair my relationship with God before i can fix the one with don.  God is there for you always and i forget that sometimes.

on a positive note, i have the absolute best friends in the whole wide world.  they are so supportive of me and knowing how much i care about don, they refuse to say anything negative about him.  they keep reminding me that i made a mature decision and that they will always be there for me.  i made the right decision by moving to pittsburgh.  i needed this change in my life. 

Tuesday I had a job interview and I got a call Wednesday morning with a verbal offer!  I was excited.  Wednesday don and i drove down to virginia because my friend ashley was getting married on saturday.  we spent all day thursday helping to set up.  thursday night everyone went out to the bars on the beach for the bachelor/bachelorette party.  it wasn't really a party, there was ashley and myself and then our friend sara.  it was fun, i tripped, sara faceplanted, and ashley peed her pants.  i have pictures to prove it!  anyways, friday was the rehearsal and it went well i guess.  at this point i needed a break from it all because ashley and gary fought the WHOLE time i've been down here and i just couldn't listen to it anymore.  so sara ran errands with her and don and i took a nap and then walked on the beach.  boy was that nice!  i decided that i needed to go and help ashley, but she had completed everything she could and wanted to go back to her husband's parents house.  (yes, i said husband, they were married two years ago in front of the judge).  well, to make a long story short he ignored her and went out with his friends.  then we come to saturday....O M G!!!!  sara, ashley and myself arrive at the hair salon to get our hair done.  his sister (who's also in the wedding) is no where to be found.  he calls her and tells her that she doesn't need to be getting her hair done because he's not planning on showing up.  yup, you heard me...he stood her up!!!  the thing is, it's just a celebration, that's it...their ALREADY MARRIED!!!!  so i spent the day yesterday consoling my sister (we've been friends since we were 6, she's my sister).  my heart broke when he told her he wasn't coming, i just cannot understand how someone could be such an ass.  and then there's her family...we show up because god knows their still going to drink and party, and her mom told her that it was just a fight.  i walked away, i had had enough.  i don't know how many people i would do all of this for.  i spent ALL of my money to my name for a wedding that didn't even happen. 

thank goodness that don has stepped up to the plate.  i am beyond impressed with him.  he helped clean up the yard for her wedding, he ran errands with us, he even held ashley's kids.  oh those poor boys, their just so cute and they have so much caois in their lives.  it breaks my heart.  seeing this mess, has made me even more appreciative of what i have.  ashley and i grew up together with similiar environments, it just amazing how different we are now.  in four years, i graduated from penn state with a bachelor of science, met a fantastic man, improved my relationship with my immediate family...and she has gotten married and had two kids.  i feel like my life is just beginning and hers came crashing down around her.  she's a strong woman and she took care of those boys for 15 months while he was deployed (he's in the army).  i know she can do it.  i just pray that she doesn't ever want to give him another chance.  after everything he's done to her.  i mean how do you forgive someone for leaving you at the altar? 

So I've decided that I'm tired of settling, I'm tired of being good enough.  I want to be great.  I want to make changes in the world, I want to be known for something.  I'm so tired of being told that I did well "considering my circumstances."  Yes, I came from a broken, abusive home and had to grow up too fast.  So what.  I shouldn't be treated any differently because of it.  I want to be held at the same standards as everyone else.  I want to be told you did a great job Kim, regardless of your circumstances.  When someone makes their opinion about me, I want them to judge me on who I am, not necessarily where I came from.

I know that my past makes me who I am today, but I don't want that to define me.  I'm much more than that.  I'm smart, funny, and responsible and I want to be seen as that.  Therefore, my goal is to be GREAT.  No more excuses, no more settling, just accepting feedback and moving forward. 

So I did it, i graduated from college, from penn state my dream school.  so now what?  i don't have a full-time job, i don't have a place to live come august, so what do i do with myself.  i like having a plan, i like having security in what i'm doing.  i feel lost, i feel unimportant.  i know, i know...it's the "transitional period" and blah, blah, blah...but that doesn't take away these feelings of worthlessness.  i want to stand for something, i want to do something meaningful...

i still want to move to pittsburgh, but what if i don't get a job by august?  then what, go home?  i don't want to go home.  if i go home, that means i failed and that i couldn't do it on my own.  but should i stay in happy valley?  then i'll feel like i settled.  should i move to pittsburgh anyways and hope for the best?  then i'll feel like i set myself up for failure.  i'm not in this cushy college world anymore.  i've never had it easy, i've never had the "mommy and daddy bank" ever.  so trying to survive on my own isn't new to me, just not having a plan/purpose is.  i worked so hard to make it through penn state, and i just feel like i did it all for nothing. 

and then there's don.  he's been really great to me lately, he's understanding, he offers to help me when i need it.  the problem lies with me.  i don't know what it's like to be taken care of.  i can't just let everything go and have him help me.  if i do that, then i feel like i'm sacrificing my own independence.  he admitted yesterday that he sacrifices his own happiness for me.  like we'll go watch 27 dresses, but i won't go see ironman.  i never do something that i don't want to do, and yet he constantly does and if he doesn't i get mad at him.  what is wrong with me?  i'm 22 years old and i refuse to let someone take care of me.  and do i stay with him because i'm just so damn stubborn, or because i genuinely love him. 

i know that i love don, because when he's gone, i miss him.  sometimes i miss him so much that i can hardly stand it, but i don't tell him this, because to me it's a sign of weakness.  i can't let myself show that i'm vulnerable even though i want to so badly.  i want don to take care of me.  i want him to help me when i'm in a bind.  but i won't let him even though he offers.  we've been through so much this last 3 years and i sometimes wonder if i stay with him because i'm comfortable, or i figure i've put so much time into this relationship, why not stay.  i'm a stubborn and loyal person, and that can get my into trouble.  i have a hard time saying no to people, even if it mean sacrificing my own happiness.  i don't like to tell don my problems, because their not his to worry about, and believe me he'll worry about them.  sometimes i think that i'm with don to teach him how to treat a woman and that we'll break up so that he'll treat his next girlfriend the way he should've treated me.  is that silly to think that?  i mean he's changed so much for me, and all for the good.  like he doesn't verbally abuse me anymore, he doesn't keep things from me (as much), he comes to me with an issue before crying to mommy, he pays for dinner without saying that i "owe" him now.  i mean he's really turned into a great guy.  even my friends are starting to really like him.  i don't know. 

will i ever change?  will i ever fully let my guard down and let someone be there for me?  i honestly don't know.  i have a lot of strengths and 95% of the time i focus on those, but i can't ignore my weaknessess.  it makes me who i am.  it's easy for me to be the upbeat, positive girl all the time, but it's a struggle for me to be unhappy and sad.  it takes a lot for me to cry and just let things go.  when my mom died, i didn't cry for about 6 months.  i feel damaged, like i can't be fixed and i will permenantly push people away.  i don't keep in contact with my "best friends."  If they call me, i'll call them back.  i can make excuse after excuse after excuse, and yet i still feel worthless for not calling someone.  i want to call, i want to have close friends that i can rely on when i need them or just to have "girl chat," but i don't know how.  i don't always know what's appropriate and what's not.  i can be honest.  i can tell someone how it is, and sometimes i do it too much, but i realize i've gone too far only after saying it. 

i try so hard to impress people, that i forget who i am.  i've spent my whole life living up to everyone else's expectations, but i don't even know my own.  i play by the rules, i do what i'm told and look where's it's gotten me.  i'm thrilled to have graduated from penn state and i know that it was MY dream to do so.  but what about everything else.  what about how i dress or the things i say or the places i work.  do i do it for me, or for someone else.  i don't know.  i'm happy with my job (most days).  my critique from my internship was that i need to live up to my full potential.  how do i do that?  i've never done that before, i constantly feel like i could be doing more. 

where do i go from here?  what's God's plan for me?  does he have one?  will i follow it?  is don part of it? 

it feels good just to let it all out.  i don't care if it makes sense if someone else reads it, because it makes sense to me.  i'm random and sometimes my thought clash together, and i'm okay with that. 

Lately i've been thinking about my own mental health.  I've been doing an internship as a reunification counselor and it brings up a lot of old feelings.  My brother and sister were in placement and my dad was that dad that only fought for one kid.  And not until after he lost the SS.  I feel I can relate to the kids I work with because I've lived through a lot of what their going through.  I'm the group home kid that grew up and is now helping other kids.  The problem is that I'm not always happy and I've been thinking about going to counseling.  I have anger issues from my father's abuse and from when my mom died that I never really dealt with.  It affects everything I do, especially my relationship with Don.  I put on the persona of a responsible young adult, but I feel trapped.  I'm terrified of graduating college and having to start my own life.  I feel like it's worse than anyone else I know because I don't have a backup plan.  I could go back and live with my aunt and uncle, but I would still be on my own.  My bills won't dissappear and I'll pry have to pay rent if I'm there for a while.  The stress of not having enough money weighs on my mind daily.  I feel like I'm constatly trying to get by.  It would be nice to not have to worry and just once in a while have it easy.  I like my internship, I love my job, I love my boyfriend, but I'm just not as happy as I want to be.  Don is great to me.  He just doesn't always think before he speaks which is the root of most of our arguments.  But he'll rub my back every night before I go to bed and make/buy me dinner and clean my room when I've had a stressful day.  He's always there to talk to even if he doesn't understand.  But he has his issues.  He's insecure which wears off on me.  Right now I need someone who can let me focus on my issues and and let me get better.  I can't keep denying that I have issues.  I just don't know if talking about them would help.  I feel like I know what the counselor would say. 

Step one:  I need to repair the relationship with my dad.  Step two:  I need to focus on what makes me happy and make time to do it.  Step three:  I need to let go of the anger that I hold inside.

I just don't know if I can do all that.  I'm comfortable with who I am and it's hard for me to accept change.  Plus, I don't have insurance so I would have to pay for counseling.  I just need some direction in my life because I feel so lost at times.  I can be 100% sure of something one day and clueless the next.  It's frustrating and I feel that no one understands.  I'm sure there's people out there that get it, but not anyone I know. 

i just wish he could understand how other people feel.  i love don, i really do, but he grew up with this selfish mentality...that everything revolves around him.  and anytime i do something away from him, his first response is "how can you do this to me?"  not "oh hunny, i'm so happy for you."  or something positive.  like tonight, i called to say that i was tired and that i wanted to go to bed because i've have a long couple of days, and instead of being like, okay baby...see you tomorrow.  nope, it was "what the hell is wrong with you that you can't come see me...it's a friday night kim...what are you hiding from me, etc".  it's so frustrating sometimes because i know that if he thinks about things logically then he will be sorry for what he said and he'll understand. 

he needs to work on his trust issues if were ever going to make it.  i want it to out, i've pushed for it, but at the same time i can accept it if it doesn't. 

so i haven't written in this thing in like 6 months or so.  i feel that i should start writing again.  the problem is that i think of something that i want to talk about, but i'm not near a computer, so then i forget about it. 

i wish that i was at camp this summer, but i know there's a reason why i didn't go.  God has something to teach me here in state college this summer and i'm anxious about learning it.  i'm working at the ymca and i like it, but they're a little too strict for me and i dunno...i just don't see me working there for a long time.  some of the people are too uptight about things and then others are sarcastic and easy going.  it just depends on the day. 

i've been thinking a lot lately about how much i've accomplished in the last three years and how much i've grown.  i'm not the same girl i was when i started at penn state.  people always tell you that you change when you go to college, and i never believed them.  i guess it's beause i changed so gradually and not all at once.  i only have a few friends from high school and my social scene is way different than when i was in high school.  looking back i just don't know how i dated dale for 3 1/2 years.  we haven't talked since like november and quite frankly i don't really want to.  i mean if i see him or something, then of course, but i'm not gonna reach out and try to talk to him.  that part of my life is over and i don't really want to go back to that.  he's happy (at least i hope so) and i couldn't be happier.  don and i are doing really really well and i'm sooo glad i stuck through it all.  him and i have been through a lot in the last two years, but we've grown so close.  he just graduated and started his new job.  we talk about the future and what our plans are.  i'm still gonna do what i want to do, but i'm always going to keep him in the back of my mind.

summer's here and it just feels like an extended break or something.  because i'm in state college still and all i do is work.  and i start my classes in july and i'm actually excited about them.  one class is with my favorite professor so i'm most excited about that one.  the other two are just classes that i need to get out of the way. 

i hope to continue to write in here at least semi often, because i feel that it helps me.  it makes me feel better about certain things.  i mean i talk to don about just about everything, but it feels better just writing them down for myself so i can understand what i'm feeling.  most of the time i don't even recognize that i am upset about things or that something is bothering me.