I don't know if anyone truly understands just how hard this moment in time is for me.

Here's the scenario. I'm sitting on the couch in my living room. One of three couches. On the couch right across from me is the girl I am falling for...wrapped in the arms of a guy. A guy who is a total dick for the most part. I have been sitting here all night watching him treat her like a worthless piece of dirt. And it breaks my heart, it really does. But that's not the whole story.

This girl Katti is my best friend. We go way back. We've grown so close over the time we've known eachother, and I couldn't be happier. Or...could I? Yes, I could. I could be happier if I had her for my own. If I could call her my girl. Time after time I have watched her get her heart broken by guy after guy after guy. They've totally destroyed my precious angel, and if they keep doing whatever it is that they're doing, she will turn into nothing more than an empty shell. Why can't she see that I can love her better than any guy she has ever been with?

It is a little awkward, since we're best friends, roommates and we both swing that way. I'm sure the thought of being together has crossed both of our minds at some point. But little does she know, I think about her more often than she realizes, and she doesn't understand the feelings that I have for her. I trily believe I can give her more than anyone could ever give her, care for her, provide her with everything she needs, and give her the love that will keep her strong for as long as she lives. But can I tell her this? Of course not.

She's had hunches in the past that I've had a crush on her, and she's confronted me about it, but I always denied it and she always believed me. I must have done a pretty good job of hiding it, and still do to this day. It hurts me more than anyone can even understand.

Even right now at this very moment, I'm watching them make out and play with eachother on the couch across from me, and at the same time, I'm trying as hard as I can to keep the pieces of my heart together to prevent it from shattering. Right now, it's merely held together by a single heartstring.

Why do I feel so lost? Why do I feel like I can't tell her how I feel? I should be able to tell her how I feel, she's my best friend and I trust her with my life.

This thing almost seems better off unsaid.

But if I leave it unsaid, my heart will break.

What do I do?

So this is my first entry in quite a long time, but I really felt the need tonight.

There is someone who is very important to me...you know who you are. You're so beautiful and I'm really not sure if you realize that. You've got the most gorgeous long copper hair, big brown dazzling eyes and a smile that could make anyone melt. It breaks my heart to see you so sad. To see guy after guy breaking your heart and shattering your hopes and dreams, and to see you barely rise and recover each time. I know you're hurting, trust me I do. But I want you to know girl, you're my everything. I know you've heard this a million times before but I can be everything you need me to be. I can be there for you. I can make your every dream a reality. I can love you like nobody loves you. I promise I would never bring you down, raise a fist at you, and never break your heart the way it has been broken many times before. I will love you, hug you, kiss you, cuddle you and make you feel like the luckiest girl alive. I can, and I will if you let me. I wish more than anything I could find the words to describe how I feel for you without using words that have been repeated to you by guy after guy, but I just don't know what to say that would set me apart from them. I can offer you everything they've offered you before, but unlike them, I can, and WILL, follow through. I want to make you feel like a princess. I want to give you my life, and for you to give me yours in return. But most of all...I want you to be my girl. My pride and joy. My true love.

So. I pretty much had one of the most intense weekends of my life.

Let me start with Friday. On Friday I got off work at 4:00 pm, so I went over to my friend Amber's house and she straightened my hair and did my makeup for the Keith Urban concert that night. And I looked really hot and actually felt good about myself for once.

Katti came over at about 6:45, and we booked it over to Rexall Place where the concert was being held. We just hung out before the show and had some popcorn and pop, took some pictures together and all that good stuff. Then Keith Urban came onstage to we got to our feet and danced (we had very good seats, by the way) and it was a lot of fun. Eventually Keith started playing this song called "Tonight I wanna Cry" and I heard a little sniffle come from Katti's direction, so I tapped her on the shoulder to make sure she was ok, but it turned out she was crying, so I started crying as well, and we both just held eachother close for that whole song and it was such a beautiful moment.

We ducked out about 15 minutes early so we could beat the rush of people, and we ended up at Showgirls to visit Katti's coworkers. After that, she took me home, we took some more beautiful pictures together and had a nice chat before I went inside. And before I left the car, she told me "Kristin, don't ever hesitate to call me if you need a friend." I'll get to that later on.

But anyway, that was Friday.

I slept in on Saturday and went to visit Amber before I headed over to my friend and coworker's house. She had asked me to babysit her 5 year old daughter that evening, and I agreed because I love her daughter. During the time I was babysitting, I literally got phone calls from about 5 of my friends, all asking for advice on different subjects. I helped them the best I could but there was one thing that really bothered me: I learned one of my best friends had attempted suicide that night. She had spent 11 hours in the hospital but ended up being ok, which I was thankful for. After my coworker got home, I went straight back to my place, and decided I needed to take Katti up on her offer of a listening ear. I was seriously upset but I felt it wasn't so urgent that I needed to call her. So I sent her an e-mail about everything that was bothering me. I told her all about how I bend over backwards for my friends but get nothing in return, I told her how I used to be clinically depressed, how I cut myself, how I have tried to kill myself, how I want people to know that I am bisexual but I am scared because those who do know already have a hard  time accepting me, and how I just felt so alone and like a black sheep. I ended the e-mail asking her to call when she gets a minute or to simply e-mail me back. Then I went off to bed.

Sunday morning, I awoke at 11:30 am to a rather disturbing phone call. It was from my friend Amber, and she was so frantic about something that she could barely get her words out. I told her to settle down and tell me what happened, and the only words I could understand were "I've been beat up." Needless to say, I made the 15 minute drive to her house in about 3 minutes. And sure enough, Amber answered the door with a bruised up face, stitched up lip, sliced nostril and road rash between her eyes. It turned out she had been beat by a random big muscular guy outside of a bar the night before, and had called me as soon as she had returned home from the hospital. And poor Amber, poor little 5'2" 120 lb. Amber had been knocked out by a 5'10" 180 lb. huge muscular guy. The sad thing is, the police never caught him yet.

I spent the rest of the afternoon caring for Amber, cuddling with her, fixing her food and such. In the middle of the afternoon I got a phone call from Katti, saying she had read my e-mail and wanted to talk. I excused myself for about 45 minutes and talked with her about everything, I spilled my guts to that girl...and was so surprised to learn she had gone through, or was presently going through, exactly what I was going through. Katti told me the story of her life and I shared mine with her, and gave me some amazing advice. She told me I needed to find something to do that would calm me and make me forget about everything that was going on. I assured her that I would. We said our goodbye's and our I love you's, and then I went back to be with Amber.

Before I left Amber's she started crying because she felt like the most hideous person in the world. It broke my heart to hear her say that. So I held her in my arms, gave her a big kiss on the forehead, and said the three words that made her life: "You're still beautiful."

When I got home from Amber's, I ran a nice hot bubble bath for myself (taking Katti's advice). I relaxed in the water...and ended up falling asleep right in the tub! But that was the best hour of sleep I have ever had.

Since my bath, I have been on and off the phone with friends. I have a headache so I popped 4 Advil, hoping it would knock me out for the night. I am still waiting for the knockout.

And that's why I'm here.

And that's my weekend.

Fucked, isn't it?

Wow. WOW. I can honestly say last night was one of the most fun nights I have ever had!

My friend Amber and I drove to our local karaoke bar around 8:00 pm. My friend Katti and her boyfriend Jason met us there around 8:30. Then came Shane, Nick, Tamm and Jeff at 9:00. At 9:15, Michelle and her boyfriend Tim came, and at 10:00, Samantha came. So there were 11 of us altogether. Funny story. The 11 of us were the only people in the bar all night, excluding the waitress, bartender and DJ!

Katti is an exotic dancer. Yes, a stripper. And HO-LY, is she ever hot!

Anywho, we all sat around and played pool while we waited for karaoke to start. Everyone was telling me how badly they wanted me to drink (apparently I am an amazingly fun drunk), but I really didn't want to because I had driven and was nervous about leaving my car there. But Katti and Jason offered to drive me home, and Michelle offered to take me back to my car on her lunch break the next day, since I didn't work until 1:00 pm. So I accepted, had 4 shots of tequila, and got nicely buzzed.

I let Amber borrow $60 from me so she could drink, and she got really, REALLY drunk. We were all sitting around and all of a sudden, she straddled me and started rubbing her boobs in my face while fondling mine. I was pretty surprised but I wasn't gonna stop it, I was hoping for some girly action! Amber is pretty damn hot too, and we were both drunk, so we grinded  and macked on eachother for awhile, and her boyfriend quite enjoyed seeing two girls touch eachother. Then Amber moved from my lap to Shane's and invited me to sit with her, so I hopped on Shane's lap too. Eventually, Katti moved to my lap, so there were 3 chicks on Shane's lap. Then Amber told me to close my eyes, so I did, and someone totally kissed me. I am still not entirely sure who it was, although I think it was Amber.

Then Amber asked me to go with her to the bathroom, so I did, and she peed with the bathroom door open, apparently not caring if anyone walked in. So long story short, I got to see Amber pantsless. Haha.

When we got back out, karaoke started. Unfortunately, I was starting to get into my emotional drunk stage. (There are 4 stages to drunk Kristin: first is depressed, then giggly, then outgoing and disgustingly happy, and finally, sick and puking) Katti, Michelle and I all made a promise a couple days before that we would all sing, but we were all in very bad moods and Michelle and I refused. Only Katti wanted to suck it up and sing anyway. But Katti ended up signing herself up, along with Michelle and I, to sing Wannabe by The Spice Girls. Michelle and I were pissed off because we didn't want to sing. Michelle finally gave in, but I didn't, and Katti, Michelle, Amber, and Tamm sang Wannabe. At the end of the song, I went out for a smoke by myself because I was depressed. Michelle followed me out and I hugged her hard for like 10 minutes to get all of my sadness out. It seemed to work. Michelle and Tim left shortly after.

By this time, depressed drunk Kristin had gone and giddy, happy drunk Kristin had taken over. Amber straddled me once again and we got close, and then I learned that Katti had signed us up for another Spice Girls song, Stop. This time, I gave in. Katti, Amber, Tamm, Sam and I all got up and sang Stop for our friends. Not only was I singing, I was dancing! Which is pretty much impossible to get me to do. After the song was done we got a standing oviation from our friends and stepped off the stage, but the DJ told us not to leave because she had another song lined up for us. The 5 of us then sang Goodbye Earl by The Dixie Chicks. Then we let our other friends sing for a bit.

Katti later sang two more songs, one I am not sure of the title and another one called Push It, which was really funny to see. She then asked me if I wanted her to serenade me (she's got ONE HELL of a voice!) And I said yes, so she sat next to me, held my hand and sang Hopelessly Devoted To You from Grease, and Come On Over by Christina Aguilera. It was sweet. I had a song lined up and was already to sing back to her, but the DJ decided to shut down karaoke for the night because the bar was so dead. That sucked a little because I was all pumped up and ready to go.

About midnight, we all decided to leave, so Katti and Jason drove me home, and Katti gave me a hug and a kiss before she left.

I woke up this morning smelling like the perfumes of 3 different girls. That's what Heaven must smell like baby!

Michelle picked me up at noon today to go get my car, and off to work I went.

I found a really good friend in Katti last night. She's such a sweetheart. I had an extra ticket to the upcoming Keith Urban concert for the longest time, and was unable to find any takers, so I mentioned it to Katti and she went wild because she loves Keith Urban! So now I am going with her and getting further bonding time with a great gal.

I can't wait to do karaoke again. My friends tell me I am great at it. I think I am good, but not great. I used to wimp out on karaoke for the longest time, but now that I have already done it, it will be that much easier for me.

And today, I am happy, smiley, and I love everyone.

It's amazing what one good night can do for a person.

Why am I so unhappy right now?

Last night I went to the bar with four of my friends from work. But there is something about the Palomino Saloon that just makes me depressed.

I ended up having to leave early because of my pissy mood, and cried on Michelle's shoulder for like 10 minutes. It was nice to let it all out like that, especially on the shoulder of someone who really loves me. But I'm not completely satisfied with that. However, I'm not sure what more I want.

The thing that bothered me the most is not knowing what my problem was. Not knowing what set me off or made me so upset. But after digging a little deeper, I think I found it.

So, we go to the bar. Everyone is drinking but me. Then the girls start screwing around. I hate seeing two girls touch eachother because it makes me jealous. Know what's even worse? Seeing two HOT girls touch eachother. Still, it get's worse. Seeing two hot girls who are my FRIENDS touch eachother. That really irked me.

That's my problem. I'm jealous. I'm a jealous person. I'm jealous because my friends are getting all chummy chummy with my other friends. I don't like sharing my friends, and I don't like when my friends become friends with my other friends. I'm jealous because they can touch eachother and kiss eachother, but when it comes to me, nooooo, that's Kristin, she's probably not interested. Hello? I'm so game. I feel so left out.

I'm also upset because for the longest time, I felt like I was giving so much to my friendships and not getting anything back. But after last night, I realize I am getting something back. My friends try to include me in activities and are always watching out for me, but it's the most important things they leave me out of. They are giving me praise and attention, but in a way I can't accept. They try to get me to drink. They try to get me to dance. They try...they just try. But I'm not like that. I need to be loved in a different way.

Also, yesterday my sister checked my webpage and discovered my true sexual orientation. Her and my brother have been hounding me about it hardcore ever since. Why can't they just be understanding and accepting?

Oh Lordy Lordy Lordy...

I am one royally messed up person.

So, on Friday night, a friend and I met up with some guys at a pizza place. I had met them the week before at the bar and they seemed like really nice guys. We're all sitting around, eating, lauging and having a good time, and then two of my other friends showed up, making it six of us altogether.

My parents had gone away for the weekend, so I invited everyone over for a hot tub. The guys picked up a case of beer and brought it back to my place, however, I would not allow anyone to drink in the hot tub because I had broken it once before that way. We all changed into our bathing suits, hung out in the hot tub, listened to some music and had a good time, and whenever anyone wanted a drink, I made them go back into the house to drink it. I also refused to drink that night.

Anyway, about an hour later, everyone started getting naked...for no reason, just for fun. It started out with one of the guys taking off his boxers, and we all laughed. Then one of my girl friends took off her top, and we all laughed. Then my other girl friend took off her bottoms, and we all laughed. I was the last to get naked, but eventually, I did. Making us all naked in the hot tub.

Neil, one of the guys I had met, started to play with my hair gently, which I had no problem with. I l allowed myself to enjoy it. Then he made a move to touch my chest...but he missed and got my arm. Then he made another attempt. Normally I would have slapped anyone who tried that...but for some reason, I felt comfortable with him. So I let him touch my chest under the water.

Around 2:00 am, I kicked everyone out of the hot tub. One of my girl friends and one of my guy friends went home, leaving me, my best friend Audrey, Neil and his friend Mike at my place.

The guys stayed in the garage and changed back into their clothes, and Audrey and I went downstairs and changed into some pajamas. Then we went back into the garage where the guys were.

We have some couches and chairs in the garage, and Neil and I ended up sitting on one couch, Audrey was on a chair and Mike was on her lap. We were just talking up a storm, and all of a sudden, Neil pulled my feet into his lap and started massaging them. I let him do it too, because I love having my feet rubbed no matter who is doing it. Then he started tickling my feet, which I also love, so I continued to let him do it. And eventually, the biggest shocker of all to me, he began licking and sucking on my toes. I have never had anyone do that to me before, but it felt amazing, so I layed back and absorbed the new sensation.

Then things started going further. He began running his hands up my legs and tickling me behind my knees. I didn't stop him. That turned into him caressing my thighs gently. Still, I didn't stop him. Then he slid his hand up the leg of my boxer shorts...

This is probably a good time for me to mention that I am still a virgin. Not only am I a virgin, but I had never, ever fooled around in my life. And if that's not enough, not only had I never fooled around, I had never even kissed a guy. So you can probably imagine why the hand in the shorts caused me to jolt up in my seat.

But for some reason, I didn't want to stop him. I still don't know why. And it is even more surprising because I didn't even have a drop to drink.

Anyway, he poked and prodded and caressed outside my underwear for a bit, and Audrey and Mike were too busy talking to even realize what was going on. Then, Neil stood up, walked over to the light switch, and turned off the lights...

He slipped his hand back up my boxer shorts and continued to pleasure me. From there, he let his hands wander a bit, and ended up tickling my stomach and sides and ribs, and rubbing my chest through mt tank top. Eventually, he got up the front of my tank top and continued rubbing my chest. Then he goosed my waistline a bit before getting back up my boxers.

This is the point where he started to take off my underwear. I am still not completely sure how he did it, but he removed my underwear without taking off my shorts. He played around below the belt for a bit, and let me tell you - that guy knew what he was doing. He seemed to know the female anatomy, and was aware of exactly where everything is. I was quite enjoying it, until he slipped two fingers inside. That hurt me at first, but eventually I relaxed and let him do his thing.

When he was done, he went back to tickling my feet and getting me worked up again. Then, he started to pull off my boxers and nibble my waist.

At this point, it dawned on me - what am I doing?? Why am I letting this happen?? He had my boxers halfway down, but I sat up quickly, smacked him on the hand and said "Ok, that's enough!" He whispered that he wanted to take me into my bedroom and give me oral sex before sleeping with me, but I refused. I had drawn the line there. I took Audrey by the hand, went back into the house with her, and locked the doors behind me. The guys went home after that.

I spent all yesterday crying about what happened. Sure, it felt good and experience is always a nice thing to have, but I feel so dirty. I feel like such a slut, and so easy. And to do it with a guy I met at a strip joint?

I went over to a friend's house to hang out last night, but ended up running out of the house crying. She held me and I cried on her shoulder.

It is true that I am still a virgin. I plan to be until marriage. But I feel so awful that I gave my body away like I did. I feel like I have defiled myself. And, being a Christian girl, I feel as if I have destroyed my body a little, which is a temple of the Lord.

I just...fell terrible. I try to live life without regrets, but this one is eating away at me. :(

It's been a long time since I have written. Please forgive me in advance for any spelling errors, I just got fake nails put on today...and I am still a little drunk.

Let's start my day from the beginning. I woke up at about 10:30 this morning, because my aunt was going to give me a ride back to my car, which I left at the bar the night before. That night isn't really worth talking about. Anywho, I went back home, touched up my makeup from the night before, and headed over to the salon, where my friend was going to do my hair. She cut it, dyed it a darker brown, and styled it in a beautiful half-up, half down curly do. I got out of there and headed off to another salon to have sexy gel nails put on. I got out just in time to rush home, eat, change into my hot low cut black tank top and red and black pleated miniskirt.

It was then that 7 out of my 10 friends called me and bailed on my birthday party. See, I had a limousine package to Showgirls, that I was paying for, and without at least 10 people, the package was useless. Michelle and Erin came over and we predrank a bit before the limo came to pick us up.

The three of us got to Showgirls around 8:30. I was greeted by one of the managers and got a Showgirls t-shirt. I was still really upset because there were only 3 of us, so the assistant manager agreed to give us each a shot of tequila and a small food platter. I appreciated that, but I was still really mopey and on the verge of tears. Then the big boss came over, the guy who owned the whole place. He said he felt bad that the birthday girl was so upset, so he gave me $50 worth of free drinks. That really knocked me for a loop, but I felt a lot better. I shared the drinks with Erin and Michelle, and bought the rest. Over the course of  the night, I had 3 shots of tequila and 4 beers. I paced myself this time, and got a nice buzz without getting sick.

Eventually, a random guy named Neil came over and hung out with me. He was a really sweet guy. Also, a few of Michelle's friends showed up. So I had more of a party at this point.

I was supposed to get a lap dance with my birthday package, but that was called off because only 3 people showed. I really wanted one, and all of my friends were too broke to buy me one, so I figured I was going to have to get one myself. I called over THEE hottest stripper named Naughtia. She took me by the hand and pulled me into a back room. She sat me down on this leather couch and started dancing and stripping for me. She had her boobs all up in front of me and rubbing up in my face. Then the next thing I knew, she was saying "Ok hun, spread those legs." I was a little nervous because I was wearing a skimpy skirt and I didn't know what she was gonna do. She saw that I was nervous, winked at me, and reassured me that she wouln't hurt me or touch me. I trusted her, so she danced on my lap for a bit, and put my face in her chest again before letting me go. I definitely walked out of there hot, bothered, and horny. ;)

By this point, I was pretty drunk, and was up dancing and grinding with Michelle. Then some random chick comes out of nowhere and throws herself at Michelle. One thing lead to another, and they started making out. I was absolutely LIVID. My whole goal for the night was to get Michelle and make out with her, just for a little bit. I shoved the girl aside and grabbed Michelle myself, kissed her and slipped her some tongue. But she totally pulled away! The nerve of her. I know she loves making out with chicks when she is drunk, but always her friends, and NEVER randoms. Then Michelle and the other girl climbed inside a cage on top of the bar, and started dancing and groping eachother. I was outraged. I couldn't deal with it anymore, so I went out for a smoke. Where I DID end up getting a kiss...but it was on the cheek, by some random old guy.

I was upset for the rest of the night. I was upset on the limo ride home. And I am still upset now.

Damnit. I am sorry I have to say this about my best friend, but I wish she wasn't such a slut.

Until just today, I didn't think it was medically or scientifically possible for someone's heart to actually skip a beat.

I LOVE YOU MICHELLE MARIAN PYRA.

<3

I figure it's been awhile since I wrote an entry.

Sooo, my parents just returned from a vacation in St. Kitts in the Caribbean. They were gone nine days and I was running the house while they were gone. I did a pretty good job, except I almost killed my dad's pet fish AND the dryer broke down so we couldn't do any laundry. God, something like that always happens when my parents go away. Two years ago, the house almost burned down, last year, the dishwasher busted, and now, the dryer. Gay.

Anywho, my parents were supposed to be home last night. They were supposed to fly from St. Kitts to Chicago, then catch a connecting flight into Edmonton. But their plane in St. Kitts got a flat tire, so the airline flew in a technician from Puerto Rico, who fixed the plane, and then for some reason, they flew everyone to San Juan in Puerto Rico. From San Juan, they went to New Jersey, and then drove to New York where they spent the night. Then in the morning, they drove BACK to New Jersey, flew to Minnesota, and FINALLY back to Edmonton. What an adventure. My daddy brought me a trinket from every airport they got stranded at.

And that's that.

Last night, I texted Michelle at about 11:30 and told her she should call me and sing me a lullaby. I was totally joking around...but she totally did! She called and sang me a few lines from a song I have never heard before. Her voice...wow. It makes me melt every time. Then we talked and talked until almost 2:00 am, which was very nice because I never get to talk on the phone, don't really like to, but with Michelle, it's different. After saying our goodbyes, I love you's, and blowing kisses, we were both off to bed.

Today, I was supposed to go for a massage with Michelle after work, and from there we were going to take a limousine to a strip club to have a fun night on the town. But early this morning, Michelle called and told me to cancel the limousine because she was going to a concert instead...and to cancel the massage because she needed the massage money for the concert ticket. I was infuriated. I booked those massages a month and a half ago, the place I go to is almost impossible to get into. I quickly cancelled the limousine, but the massage place charged a cancellation fee since I didn't give 24 hours notice. I scrambled around all day looking for someone to take Michelle's place. I did end up finding someone at the very last second - my friend Candace. So we went, got our massages, paid and left. That massage was seriously one of the most excruciating pains I have ever felt. But it's worth it, because I am going to feel like a Goddess in the morning.

I came home, ate supper, and headed out to a lounge to meet Tawnya, her boyfriend Parker, and my friend Nick. We talked and it was pretty cool. Parker was saying something about semen, and I thought he said cinnamon, and it was funny in the context that he used it in. We laughed for about 20 minutes straight. Afterward, when I was driving home, Parker came whipping by me in his truck and chucked a beach ball out his window, right onto my windshield. That was one of the most random and funny things I have ever seen.

And now, I am here.

Still pissed off at Michelle. That girl needs a good smack upside the head sometimes.

And that's all.

Nighty night.

Last night was interesting. I was feeling down on myself for whatever reasons, so I asked Michelle if she would come over and have a girl's night with me. She told me she had to pick someone up at the airport later that night, but she would come over for as long as she could.

She got here about 6:30, and it started out well enough: I put Napoleon Dynamite in the DVD player, and we both sat around, watching and eating tubes of raw cookie dough. She ended up sprawling across my bed, laying on her stomach, and I was laying the other way and had my feet resting on her back. We switched positions a few times during the movie, resting our heads on eachother's stomachs, back to back, etc...but it was nice. I love the feeling of another person's body heat, and the feeling of a heartbeat and the rising and falling of a chest and stomach with each breath.

After the movie was over, out of the blue, I just bodychecked her and she fell off the bed. That turned into a big tickle war that lasted for 10 minutes, which I most definitely won.

Before she left, we hugged eachother tight for a long time.

About an hour later, she calls me from the airport, telling me she just wanted to talk while she waited for her boyfriend's plane to land. I told her I was glad she wanted to talk because I had things to say. She wanted to listen, so it worked out perfectly.

Let me try to remember something along the lines of what I said...

"Michelle, I haven't expressed my emotions in a long time, it's so hard for me, so please forgive me if I mess up. You seem like the type of person that it takes a lot to touch their heart, so I hope I do tonight. I just wanted to thank you for coming over tonight. It really meant alot to me, because I haven't been very happy lately and I needed that little extra lovin' to get me back on my feet. I have Tawnya, and I have other friends, but I can't run to them. With Tawnya and I, the love is there...but we don't touch eachother, we don't hug eachother, we don't playfight with eachother, and sometimes that's all I need to feel loved. That's why I am glad I have you. You're like the best friend in my life right now and I feel like you totally get me. I mean, we're still building our relationship, and there are definitely things you don't know about me yet, and I am sure there are things I don't know about you. But I know we are going to become closer every time we see eachother and eventually, we will both be comfortable opening up. About 2 or 3 years ago, when I was young and stupid, I had all these so-called 'friends', and I would walk around telling them I love them left and right, only to be backstabbed or heartbroken by them shortly after. I know better now, and I never say things I don't mean. Other than my family, I can't remember the last time I said 'I love you' to someone. Nowadays, I will only say it if I am 100% sure I won't get hurt. And Michelle, I want you to know...I love you."

And what she said next honestly really shocked me. I didn't really expect this reaction from her.

"Oh, Kristin...I love you too, honey."

I was surprised. I expected nothing more than an "Aww, that's cute" from her. But no, I didn't get that...I got an 'I love you' right back.

I then told her that I hoped she meant that, and wasn't just saying it because I said it first. She assured me that she did mean it.

Then she said something really cool.

"Kristin, you and I are like Peanut M&M's. We have that tough, hard outer core that makes us seem emotionless to others and also makes it difficult for us to express our true emotions. Then, on the inside, we're soft and sweet, and it doesn't take a lot to cause us to melt. And the peanut...that's the innermost parts of ourselves, our worries, fears, secrets and loves. Only very special people ever get to taste the peanut core."

That was a really, really neat analogy, I thought.

I know that Michelle hasn't reached my peanut yet, and I haven't reached hers. But we'll find a day. We're both going to keep digging and one day, we'll strike gold with eachother.

Recipe for a girl's night

~2 good friends

~1 big screen TV

~1 comfy couch / bed

~1 warm blanket

~1 stack of tearjerkers / chick flicks

~1 economy size box of Kleenex

~1 large pail of vanilla ice cream

~1 bottle of hot fudge

~1 bag of popcorn

~2 tubes of raw cookie dough

~2 litres of Pepsi

~1 long and deep conversation about life

~1 enormous bear hug

~1 bottle of fruity scented massage oil

~1 special love and understanding

I am so excited. I can't wait for this. <3

An interesting thing happened at work today.

This afternoon, I was upstairs, filing away the paperwork for the day, totally focused on my task and working extremely hard.

Just when I reach a steady pace in my work, I hear my name paged over the intercom. "Kristin, please come to the showroom, Kristin, to the showroom."

I was upset, because I was on a roll and that completely disrupted my progress. I sighed, stood up, and thought "Man, this better be worth it."

And it was!

Once I reach the bottom of the stairs and round the corner, I see Michelle standing there, smiling at me.

She had the day off work, and of anything she could have done, she chose to visit me.

That made my day 100%.

I love her.

Yesterday, Michelle and I spent the afternoon together, and we had a lot of fun...WITHOUT alcohol.

She picked me up just after 3:00 pm and we went down to a park in the area. I had a backpack with me filled with goodies - a football, a baseball, a baseball glove and a frisbee. It was way too windy for us to play frisbee, and since we only had one baseball glove, we couldn't play catch. So we spent an hour or so tossing the football back and forth. That is seriously the most physical activity I have had for about 4 years. After our arms got tired, we lounged in the sun for another hour, just talking about life.

It started to get cold and rain a tiny bit, so we jumped into Michelle's car and headed into the city...for no reason. We drove all through downtown, through Chinatown, through Little Italy, down river valley roads, through ravines, and over bridges, while we talked some more and sang along with the radio. Then Michelle showed me the shoes she had bought that morning, black Converse sneakers with a green star on the side. I laughed, lifted my foot and put it in her lap - to reveal that I was wearing the exact same Converse sneakers, only with a pink star on the side. We are now shoe sisters. :)

We stopped at a Chinese restaurant for dinner, ordered drinks and were about to order our food when my mom called, telling me to get home because she had a steak dinner waiting. What a pain in the ass that was. So we just paid for our drinks and made a quick stop at a Chinese take-out  place so Michelle could get some dinner, and she took me home.

I enjoy spending time with Michelle so much. Whether it's at the bar, at the park, at my house or wherever. I think I can probably say that as of right now, she's my best friend. And what a friend she is.

She can be crazy...but I love her with all my heart.

Here we have another blog entry in the wee hours of the morning, about more good times at the bar.

So, Tawnya and I went to Average Joe's tonight. I was supposed to go into the city for my friend's 19th birthday, but I really, REALLY didn't feel like it. When we got to Joe's, we met up with Michelle, Michelle's friend Erin, and Michelle's date Nathan. It started out super boring, Michelle was drunk and everyone else was sober, so I totally thought, THIS IS MY CHANCE! And damn rights I took that chance...I was being ignored by Michelle, so to get her attention, I smacked her on the butt. That helped, strangely enough. Throughout the course of three hours, Michelle and I had grabbed butts, touched softly on the stomach and sides, sat in eachother's laps, and hugged ferociously for two minutes nonstop. Never kissed yet, but what we did was effing awesome.

When Tawnya and I got bored of those three, we went to the lower level of the bar and met up with Nick, Chris and Parker from my work, and Parker's friend Scott, who everyone called Jesus. I stepped out for a smoke, and when I got back, I realized that I lost Tawnya. I finally found her chatting it up with 24 year old Jeff, who I had met at the bar weeks ago, and his 22 year old girlfriend Treena. And oh my GOD...I can say with confidence that Treena is one of THEE hottest girls I have ever met. We all instantly became friends.

We got bored of Joe's, so we were going to head off to Brother's, a different bar. Michelle was staying at Joe's but she walked me to my car. Parker followed her and pissed her off so she punched him square in the face. She's an angry drunk.

Parker and Jesus were drunk and wanted a ride to Brother's, but I refused. They hopped on the hood of my car and I reversed really fast, causing them to fly off. I'll never forget the day I almost ran over Jesus.

So we get to Brother's and are met there by Nick, Parker, Chris, Jeff, Jesus and Treena. Tawnya, Treena and I got into a deep girly conversation, which was amazing. I was the only sober one, and everyone else was drunk. There was one point when Parker and Jesus stole Treena's car and took it for a joyride...while drunk. Pfft, idiots. Luckily, it made it back safely.

Tawnya and I got really close with Treena tonight. She's a lovely young woman, and she's so happy to have us as friends, because all of her friends are guys. We love having her around too. In fact, she invited us both out to a nightclub tomorrow night. I think I might pass, though. I'm not too happy about the way I have been acting.

But on a lighter note, I DEFINITELY got some subtle action with Michelle tonight. ...Awesome.

Tawnya and I finally got together last night, after about two weeks of not seeing eachother. I can't believe it had been so long because we are basically best friends.

AND, on the topic of best friends, we had a long chat about the people in our lives - mainly our friends. We talked about the ones who are faithful, loyal and true, the ones who are needy and greedy, the ones who are fairweather and the ones who end up to be deceiving and two-faced. We pretty much covered them all. But there is one person who really intruiged both of us...

And that's Michelle. I have mentioned her many times. Tawnya had the privilege of meeting her, and liked her right from the start. And she had a good reason to: Michelle is just an amazing person.

Tawnya had asked how Michelle and I came to be friends, which turned into a conversation about Michelle's past. See, my parents aren't too fond that I have been hanging out with Michelle so much lately. And I can see where they are coming from. Michelle is not a very good influence to me. She drinks, she gambles, she lies, she hooks up with random guys, and whatever else. And when I am with her, I usually will drink and gamble with her. But ultimately, that is my choice. I could easily refuse, but with Michelle, those activities are fun.

But anywho, about her past. She grew up as an only child in a broken family, as her parents divorced when she was young. Her mom married another man, who became Michelle's stepfather. But he was an awful man. He physically abused Michelle's mom, and the poor girl has seen it all. It never got to the point where he hit Michelle, but he emotionally abused that girl like there was no tomorrow. Her mom became unstable and unable to care for a child, so Michelle was sent to live with her grandparents at 16. She has lived there ever since.

Michelle is a rebel without a cause...or...maybe she does have a cause. Her past could definitely be what caused her to behave how she does. It justifies itself, but at the same time, it doesn't.

But that's not my point. My point is, Michelle and I have been friends for a mere three weeks, and already I am her best friend. I am honored that she gives me that title, but it is a little bit strange to me. Sure, we get along, we're there for eachother, we hang out together and we give eachother advice. But the reason that it is strange is because of this. There is Michelle, this beautiful person. She has the most stunning green eyes, long luxurious copper hair, a wonderfully fit body, a smile that spreads and the singing voice of an angel. She literally has guys lined up on her doorstep, everyone knows her, everyone likes her. But at the same time, I am one of her only friends. I don't understand.

I don't understand why this incredible girl is hanging off of me. She is clinging to me. She will never, ever let me go.

I love it, I do. I just don't get it.

Michelle just wants to be loved. And I can give her that love. Yet, we are complete opposites. I was never the popular one, I had barely any friends growing up, and beautiful girls like Michelle made my life a living hell for years. They'd never let me love them the way Michelle is letting me. And if they did, they'd turn around and stab me in the back soon after.

This is all so sudden to me.

Ohh boy.

So Thursday didn't work quite as planned. Michelle was supposed to come to my place after Showgirls and we were going to go in the hot tub. But she ended up going home with one of the guys we were with, and they tried to have sex but they were both way too drunk for that.

She called me yesterday because she felt really bad about how she acted, and said she wanted to stay the night last night and drink in the hot tub with me. Of course, I gladly accepted.

My family was away at my cabin and my parents told me I wasn't allowed to have people over or go in the hot tub. I sure messed that one up.

Yesterday at 6:00 I met Michelle at a lovely italian restaurant and we had dinner together. Turned out there was a liquor store next door, so we hit that and Mishie picked up a six pack of beer. We then went to Walmart and bought a buttload of easter chocolates and candies to share. Then we went back to my place, changed into our bathing suits, and had two shots of tequila before going in the hot tub.

Before we were even drunk, Michelle dropped a bottle of beer all over the sidewalk. So we had to deal with the glass pieces, but apparently we missed some and cut up our feet. So we went in the hot tub, drank more tequila and had two and a half beers each. And let me tell you, drinking in the hot tub gets you really drunk really fast. We were sloshed about 45 minutes later, and had a long conversation about life, sex, music, our futures...just everything.

Michelle likes making out with girls when she is drunk. I meant to make out with her but I was so ripped I didn't even remember to do that. At one point we were play fighting and wrestling and splashing around and stuff, and that was the closest I got.

After about two hours we were ready to get out, but I was afraid to get out because I was so drunk and it was icy and I was afraid I wouldn't make it inside. I managed to get inside somehow, but was way too drunk to attempt to close the hot tub cover, so we just left it open. I ended up passing out on the couch in the garage, and Michelle had to half carry, half drag me into the house. And it was a good thing she did too, because that's when I started puking, like I usually do. Luckily, I made it to the bathroom. Thank God Michelle was there to rub my back and hold my hair while I was throwing up. That's what a good friend is for.

We both stumbled down the stairs and into my bedroom, but I was up in a flash to throw up again.

My mom started phoning the house phone and my cell phone a bunch of times, but I didn't answer because I was too busy vomiting, and I didn't want her to know I was completely hammered. At one point, she texted me saying I had better call or she was calling the cops to come look for me. So I did, and pretended like I had been sleeping the whole time and that I was pissed off that she kept calling because it woke me up. She half-believed it, but I am postive she knew what had really happened.

We both ended up passing out around 2:00 am, and woke up at 7:30 for a cigarette, still half cut. We went back to sleep about 8:30, and slept until 1:15. I had a shower, and then she had one, we got dressed and went out to get some McDonald's, the ultimate hangover food. And oh man, was I ever hung over.

We somehow ended up at a tattoo parlor this afternoon and each booked a tattoo. To tell you the truth, I don't even understand why I did that. But the deposit was non-refundable, so it looks like I am getting a tattoo whether I like it or not.

My mom called again this afternoon, and I was able to talk to her this time. She still doesn't really believe that Michelle just came over to watch a movie, which is what I told her. But after I got home from the tattoo parlor, Michelle and I covered our tracks the best we could. We closed up the hot tub, I washed all the towels and bathing suits we had used, and I sent the empty bottles home with Michelle. It seriously looks like nothing ever happened. And I've got friends who are going to jump in and save me if my mom doesn't believe my story. They're going to say they had called last night right when we were in the middle of watching our movie.

After we woke up this morning, we realized that we were both injured in our drunken adventure. I have a big purple bruise on my chest from...God knows what, and Michelle fell when she went to go to the bathroom, leaving her with skinned knees, elbows and bruised wrists. We both have cut up feet and hands from the broken beer bottle.

In conclusion to that, it's been over 24 hours since I started drinking last night and I am still completely hung over. Still, I can't wait to do it again. I can't believe I got so tanked on Good Friday. Now I am definitely going to hell.

It's kind of strange. I have only been friends with Michelle for about three weeks and she's already becoming one of the best I've ever had. Probably not the best influence in the world, but that doesn't matter to me. I can even say I've got a little crush on her. I'm shifting my crush from Chantel to Michelle, because Chanty hasn't been very nice to me lately. And Michelle and I love eachother. Even if it's not  a romantic kind of love, we've got that special type of love and understanding that no one can take away from us.

She's a gorgeous girl. About 5'7", long copper hair down to the small of her back, and the most intense gray-green eyes I have ever seen. And she has such a contagious smile.

I think I might just have a chance with her, I really do. Apparently we're going to the bar next weekend, and she wants me to do body shots off of her...haha. And the funny thing is, she told me that when she was sober. She's got her tongue pierced, and I am going to tell her that I have always wanted to know what it's like kissing someone with a tongue ring. She will GLADLY help me with that one!

Now, all that's left to do is find a way to get around my parents...

Ok, so I've finally formulated a plan for this Thursday.

6:00 am - Wake up and drag my ass out of bed

8:00 am - Arrive at work

12:00 pm - Go for lunch

1:00 pm - Return from lunch

4:30 pm - Leave work

5:00 pm - Go shopping for junk food

5:30 pm - Arrive home

5:45 pm - Change into sexy red and black pleated skirt with black tank top and high heels

6:00 pm - Eat dinner

7:30 pm - Michelle arrives at my house

8:00 pm - Sam and Michelle's two friends arrive at my house

8:15 pm - Limousine picks us up

8:30 pm - Arrive at Showgirls

9:00 pm - Eat our free nacho platter. Also, start hitting back tequila shots.

10:00 pm -Play pool and various other arcade games. Be tipsy by this time

11:30 pm - Sit down and watch the strip show. Keep drinking. Throwing loonies at strippers optional

1:00 am - Be drunk out of our minds

2:00 am - Leave in the limousine

2:15 am - Arrive back at my place. Send Sam and Michelle's two friends home...somehow

2:30 am - Michelle and I change into bathing suits. Gather more alcohol and snack foods

2:45 am - Go in the hot tub with Michelle. Drink and eat more in the hot tub

3:30 am - Get out of the hot tub and possibly vomit from the heat and excessive alcohol consumption

3:45 am - Change into pyjamas and put in a DVD

4:00 am - Michelle and I start fooling around

4:15 am - Things get hot n' heavy

6:30 am - Finish messing around. Fall asleep shortly after, in spooning position

Daaaaaamn. That sounds like a bulletproof plan.

Heya!

Wow. WOW. I had an incredible night and I am so excited to share it.

First of all this is the first time in my life I've been out partying two nights in a row. I am also going out tomorrow, so make that 3 nights. Yay Kristin!

So I spent the whole day doing nothing, since I was up for 23 hours yesterday. I had a lovely relaxing afternoon, and around 8:30 pm, Michelle texted me asking what I was doing. I replied that I was doing nothing, so she invited me to Average Joe's, our town's best lounge. I fixed myself up from looking like a train wreck to looking quite presentable, and met her there around 9:00. We basically just sat around, met some randoms, and played pool. And then we got really bored, so we hopped into Michelle's car and were on our way into Edmonton to seek out a fun time.

We could not decide which bar to go to for the lives of us. And then, we drove by it. The neon signs and flashing lights looked like Heaven to us and were so inviting.

Where was this?

SHOWGIRLS, BABY!

So we walked inside, sat around a bit, met some guys and played some more pool. Then we settled down to watch the strip show. After watching for a bit, we went into the bathroom, which is where we met a young blonde stripper. She was about 5'6", and extremely, anorexic-type skinny. She told us she was going onstage next, and was nervous because she had only been dancing for six months, whereas the other girls had been dancing for years. She asked us to make a lot of noise and cheer her on, and we would be rewarded. Of course, we gladly accepted.

She looked really good when she got on stage in her little pink leather outfit, and we were hooting and hollering up a storm. She danced incredibly! Then she got fully naked and played a game with us, where she held a jar between her legs and we threw money into it for her.

Sure enough, after she got offstage, she returned with a free limo package for Michelle and I! She then signed a poster for Michelle and left. She was so cute.

By this time, it was about 1:45 am, and there was one more girl to do a show before the club closed. She went by the name Naughtia, and man, was she ever hot. We played the money pitching game with her, and she gave a poster of herself, and ANOTHER limo package, to Michelle. Then we were kicked out because they were closing.

Michelle and I drove around looking for a Tim Hortons, got some food, and had a long and nice conversation that lasted until about 3:00 am. Finally, she took me back to my car. And now I am here.

I had such an amazing time with Michelle tonight. I am a little bummed that Michelle got all the goods. Michelle was kind enough to give me one of her limo packages, but I mean, both of us were giving money - and Michelle was the only one who got posters, limo packages and stuff. I think it's because she's hotter than me. Oh well though, it was good times.

This Thursday, we're getting a bunch of people together to accompany us on our limousine rendezvous to Showgirls. I can't WAIT! And we're doing it again the week after, with my limo package.

Oh boy. I don't think I've ever had so much fun in my life.

I suppose I had a rather interesting day.

It started out at work. Things went well and the time flew by, surprisingly. I got off work at 4:00 pm, and around 7:00 pm, I get a phone call from my friend and coworker Alyssa. She had just been in a fight with her parents and was crying for me to come pick her up. So I did, and we went to the mall. There was a group of people there who were on bad terms with her, and I could just tell they wanted to pick a fight with her. But they didn't have the guts, because she had 6' of brain, brawn and beauty (me) walking beside her. I spent $110 on Disney movies, so that was 1/7 of my paycheck down the drain. We came back to my place and watched Aladdin. Alyssa asked for a massage, because she had heard I give killer ones, so I gave her a nice long and relaxing back rub during the movie. I drove her home around 11:00 pm.

Upon returning home, I settled into bed to watch Pocahontas, and fell asleep during it. Not long after I had drifted off, my parents called me from the bar saying they were drunk and needed a ride home. I was pissed off because I had just fallen asleep, but I went anyway. When I got there, I realized that many of my favorite coworkers were there, so I decided to stay for one coke. Well, that one coke turned into 2, and then 3, and 4, and more. The hours dragged by, as I listened to everyone in their drunken stupor. It was actually really amusing. I formed a really nice bond with this guy Nick, who I have liked for a little while. Also, my friend Candace was there. I hadn't seen her in forever. She was drunk and being super cute, she is usually kind of a bitch. She was playing with my hair and giving me back rubs and just being adorable. And she's a fox, she really is.

Another guy named Parker was there. I don't like him because when he gets drunk, he is an idiot. But tonight, not only was he bearable, he was nice!

Oh, and get this - we met this guy named Jeff. After getting into an intense conversation with him, we learned his dad had died the year before...in a bar fight. When he told us who his dad was, we were shocked. See, my uncle had been on the waiting list for a new kidney for months. Without it, he would have died. And Jeff's dad was the guy who, in death, donated HIS kidney to my uncle. How strange and cool is that?

At the end of the night, Nick went around shaking everyone's hands. And when he got to me, he hugged me! That was so exciting. He's a sweetie.

I ended up driving my parents home, as well as another guy from my work. He lives an hour away so he is spending the night. That's a little weird.

So now, it's 3:28 in the morning, and why the hell am I still awake?!

I learned some things tonight. We talked all about politics and I am now caught up on current government events, which I never cared about in my life. I also learned that drunk chicks are the best thing that ever happened to me. Hot drunk chicks. I love them. Drunk guys, not so much...unless you're Nick! :)

Now, I shall go downstairs and FINALLY finish watching Pocahontas.

I bid thee farewell and goodnight.

Man, I am so happy I have my blog. Because right now, I feel like I have nobody to vent to. So all those who are reading this, thank you for putting up with my crap.

It's sort of hard to explain what I am feeling right now. I guess the only thing I can really say is that I am tearing up inside, and I am the only one who knows. I am not happy with who I am, where I am in life, or where I'm going in life. There's not one particular reason for my sadness, it's a mix of life kicking me in the ass, friends being dishonest and two-faced, and cupid being my worst enemy.

I want so badly to sit down and have a nice long chat with someone. But right now it's almost as if I am wandering aimlessly around the earth alone. Not many people are worthy of my trust, and those who are are those who cast me aside. My worst fear is that my clinical depression may be coming back to bite me. I thought I got rid of it. I don't want professional help - the last thing I want to do is start taking Prozac and seeing a psychologist again. I just wish there was someone out there who would just...listen. Hug me. Hold me. Reassure me.

And yet, I have somehow mastered the art of covering my true emotions. Every day at work, I put on a fake smile, the one that is bright and cheery and fools absolutely everyone, including my own family. But it doesn't fool me. Not for one second.

I am so down. I just want to be given the opportunity to sit down with someone who cares about me and simply talk everything out. Someone who won't be so cold toward me, who won't give me that "Just get over it, Kristin" attitude.

It's hard to find someone with a heart as warm as mine is. If I don't find that person soon, my own heart is going to freeze over.

I don't want to become that again.

But I just might.

I feel as if my mind is imploding, just collapsing into itself. I don't want to think about anything, because I can always see the bad in every situation.

Does anyone else ever feel the pain of an unhappy heart? At times, mine gets so bad that it actually physically hurts me. Every beat is agonizing to me, almost like my heart is throwing itself ferociously against the walls of my chest cavity, hoping to stop beating and finally end the suffering.

And yet, the cure is so simple.

Someone who cares.