Life as I know it 

If music be the food of love I must be starving!

I've always wanted to be musically talented.  I long to be in a band.  However,  I think it is not likely to happen.  I'm as musical as a brick. Honestly, I struggled long and hard at school with the ocarina, the recorder and that little tiny keyboard. I mastered Little Donkey for the Christmas Concert one year, but that was really about it.  Personally I think I can sing a bit, but so far not one person has agreed. 

I would really like to be able to play the saxomephone, or the drums.  I don't have the patience to learn though.  I'm the sort of person that likes to see some progress within hours rather than weeks.  I shall soon have a drum kit installed in my home, my brother has a band and needs to lay down a drum backing track, so maybe I could find I am actually naturally gifted and will pick up drum sticks for the first time in my life and reel off some Neil Peart - a bit like Bill Bailey on the piano in Black Books.  I think its more likely I will sound like my nephew and some saucepans though.  Mind you, Meg White was never really that amazing a drummer and she did ok. (Sorry Hazel, I love White Stripes, but you know I'm right!)  So I'm decided.  I'm gonna learn me some drumming.  I have rhythm, so it can't be that hard surely!

I'm also looking into playing dodgeball, and going to Ice Skating lessons.  I figure that hobbies are great, and have quite a few already, but they are all solitary, done from home kind of things.  Its time I ventured out from my nice comfortable sanctuary, and start to interact with real people again.  I find that as we get older we become afraid to try something new, settle for the friends we already have and slowly become caught in our own worlds and not make time for letting anyone new to get to know us.  I am starting to enjoy the local music scene again, local bands, local gigs. Nothing big time, no £80 a ticket fees.  Maybe 2 quid on the door and have a fantastic night.  I have 2 bands listed on my links.  Give them a try, they are quite different to each other, but both, I think anyway, very very good. 

For now, til later,

MW, a!

Its a quandry alright

So, what to do?  I have a chance of 2 jobs but there are so many things to consider.  I can work Mon to Fri, 8.30 til 5, bank holidays off, pension, a week off over christmas and easter and another 25 days holiday.  A decent salary, it would take me 10 mins to get there and home again and I would enjoy the work and the people I would be working with.

Or I can work 5 days a week, weekends included on a rota basis, 20 days holiday and bank holidays in lieu, hours 8 til 6, less salary than the other job but still workable, it would take me at least half an hour one way, on a notorious road so would most likely be stuck in traffic every day.  The work will be stressful, upsetting and at times hearbreaking.

Seems like a fairly easy decision, yeah?  That is until you understand that the local job will be repetative lab work (not on animals before I get harrassed) and the further away job is working as a rehomer in a rescue kennels, helping to find dogs and cats a suitable home, hands on with the training and behaviour, easy access to further my qualifications and basically so much more me.

In the words of the beatles (other bugs are available) HELP!

Tigger, the wonder cat.

Having read the comments left by Highland Lass, she has evoked a memory of one of my cats from long ago.

Her name was Tigger - so original - and she had one hell of 9 lives.  We found her as a kitten wandering around the park opposite our home so, like kids do, we brought her back and asked if we could keep her.  She settled down and looked so meek and fragile that the parents couldn't refuse.  She was a gorgeous black and grey tabby with white chest.  During her life times she was run over 3 times, each time her injuries were worse than before.  Initially she had concussion and a broken jaw, next time she had a broken front leg, and on the third time she had a broken pelvis, dislocated hip and the other front leg was broken.  She was wrapped in so many bandages that she looked like a mummy.  One back leg was strapped up to her stomach, the other in plaster, as was her front leg.  She still tried to jump on the sofa and would end up in a heap on the floor.  At this time my mum took great pity on her and decided to treat her to the cream off the milk and a pigs kidney for her supper.  From that moment on she would not eat anything else, and as such - along with her injuries - started to put on weight.  It wasn't long before she weighed a stone and a half, but she was still full of life and energy, bounding through the garden, and managing to stay away from the road.  Her main party trick was to go hunting and bring back rabbits and pigeons, which we believed she would sit on and suffocate rather than stalk and attack.  She would also sit by our garden pond, literally like Sylvester with her mouth open and would snap it closed around the swallows that were feeding from the waters surface.  She was most definitely the boss in our area, wouldn't take any mesing from anybody, whether that was other cats, people or the local German Shepherd that would cower away from our gate when being taken for a walk.

One day, I got home from school to find my hamster (Jemima Puddleduck - again, how original!) had escaped from her cage and disappeared.  Sat in the living room that evening Tigger was on the sofa and looking directly up at the ceiling, looking from left to right and back again.  We turned off the tv and listened closely and heard a scurrying and scrabbling coming from the ceiling.  The ceiling had false panelling so mum got out the ladder and pulled off some of the panelling, calling 'jemima, jemima'.  She was in there, but was too scared to be rescued, so we popped in some food and water knowing that at least she was safe.  After a few days the scurrying had stopped and Tigger had lost interest in the ceiling.

A few days after this Mum had gone to the kitchen to prepare the said cream and kidney for Tigger's supper, and Tigger was out at this point.  To get her in at night we would stand by the back door and sharpen the big carving knife on a steel and she would normally come running in.  On this particular night she came in, meowed at mum and went back out again.  She did this a few times before mum thought perhaps she was trying to tell her something, so followed her outside.  Tigs then ran under the steps for the porch, popped her head out and started to mew constantly, rubbing her head against the steps and mums legs.  Mum fetched a torch and rather nervously shone it under the steps thinking there may be a rat or something under there that Tigger had caught.  In the corner under the steps sat Jemima, dusty and a bit shaky but totally unharmed.  Jemima was returned to her cage, and Tigger was treated like the queen she was for the rest of her life. 

Sadly she was killed when she was about 15 years old.  I woke one Christmas morning and found her outside having been run over for the final time.  It broke everyones heart, but deep down I think thats how she wanted to go - living on the edge, laughing in the face of danger and pushing herself to the limit.

MW, a!

A bad river rising

I think maybe I have been too eager to declare my home as flood free today.  In the past hour and a half the water has risen by 6 inches.  Up the road we have Billing Aquadrome,  a caravan park and they are talking about evacuating everyone that lives, or is currently staying there.  That hasn't happened before.

So what's the plan of action?  Well, there isn't one really.  Make sure the cats are in and safe, but thats about it.  We have guests staying in 2 other properties here, and one of those is quite vunerable.  They may have to stay in a hotel if the water continues to rise at this rate.

Other than that, just take it as it comes.  If the house floods then it floods.  Not much you can do about it really.  I took some pics earlier, when I thought there was nothing to worry about.  They are now in the My Photos folder.  If I can, I'll take more tomorrow, see the difference kinda thing.

Til later,

MW, a!

Thank you for the music

Spring must have sprung because I'm cleaning like a very cleany type thing - like those birds that sit in the mouths of crocs, or the fish that suck slime off sharks. (I think they are simply called cleaner fish, not very imaginative, but accurate).  Anyway, I digress - to aid me with the cleaning I have made a playlist which needed to be fairly loud, upbeat and singy - a - longy.  My list will play continually for 4 hours, 47 minutes and 23 seconds.  It took me about an hour to decide on the tracks, and in there I have included stuff that brings back memories.

I love the way music can do that.  Stir emotion, make you stop dead in your tracks, make you smile, laugh, cry, release some anger.  I also like the way your emotions can change over time when hearing the same song.  Not so long ago one of the tracks on my list would have made me sad as it was one of 'our' tunes.  I avoided it like the plague when we first split up, but then one day I had my ipod on while gardening and this song started.  I initially caught my breath, but then smiled to myself and sang along.  It still means as much today, but now I don't think about what was been lost, but what we had. Making sense?

I am now 2 days into my cleaning spree and I have finished the kitchen!  I'm not really a slow worker, but I am very thorough when I get like this - which thankfully is only once a year.  DIY has been done which I've wanted to have done for years, but in the end it took me about half an hour to do it myself.  I've blocked in the units.  This involved sweeping and cleaning underneath the units where I found 8 cat toys, 1 dead bird (I guess that could be included in the cat toys), a tube of no more nails, a single trainer and a jar of marmite!  Spiders were crawling up my arms and in my hair and the cats were trying to put their hidden treasures back where I found them.  Indie particularly has an obsession with the broom, chasing it around as I try to sweep up.  I would put them out but then they paddle in the puddles and come back in leaving very cute but annoying muddy paw prints all over the floor.

I have been known to get up at 2 in the morning to rip up carpets, dismantle kitchen worksurfaces and rearrange the furniture.  Don't ask me why, its just a thing I have.  I'm not house proud - far from it - and besides cats, log fires, mud and river water don't add up to a tidy household plus no  hot water can become a hinderance on the cleaning front but when I get my teeth stuck into it, they really stick.

So I ought to stop gabbing and get back on with it eh?

MW, a!

For Jillygoat.....

Well my dear, congratulations.  I didn't hear any mention of your amazing success on the show so I presume the prize is down to me.  And the top prize today is....(drum roll)

The Blogger's Survival Pack  (ta dah!!!!)

which will consist of biccies, chocolate, tea, and much much more.

All you need to do to claim your prize is send the administration fee of £75 to me. Please enclose a large stamped addressed envelope and allow three years for delivery.

No, seriously, if you are brave enough to send me details of how to get a prize to you, then I will honour my offer.   I promise I am not a lunatic, a stalker, a murderer or anything particularly unsavoury - but do you trust me now you know I keep a chainsaw in my wardrobe?

MW, a!

3 things.....

See now, when I can't think of anything to write I thought I might cheat and make a list of 3 things.  The things can be anything at all - from things to do before I die to what I watched on tv the night before.  It might be really dull, but I'll do my best.  Today its.....

3 THINGS I ALWAYS HAVE IN MY HOME.

1.  Fresh cut flowers.

The most extravagant of extravagances.  OK, they don't cost as much as jewellry, perfume or fancy cars, but they die quickly and after they have died they have no sell on value.  All you can really do with them is compost them.  They serve little purpose, apart from aesthetically and in some cases fragrantly, but I always have fresh flowers in my home.  I enjoy flower arranging, trying out new styles and ideas and I think they make an ordinary room look brighter, happier and a little bit more refined.  Obviously if somebody has bought them for me so much the better, but that is a rare occurance nowadays. 

2.  Watercolour Art Set.

I'm no artist, but I enjoy a dabble every now and again.  Thing is, every now and again translates into about once every 5 years.  I should be more frequent and then maybe I could actually develop some sort of skill.  I find it relaxing and generally I am happy with the finished product, not to the point of hanging it on my wall mind you.  I like the appearance of the paints in their little paint tray, I like the smell and I like washing the brushes in clean water, the way the paint swirls from the brush giving colourful unusual shapes before diluting into the water.  Bit odd maybe, but thats me.

3.  Chain Saw.

Thought I was coming across a bit arty farty and girly.  The chainsaw is a fairly new purchase, but I don't know how I coped before - actually, yes I do.  I was cold most of the time, or hand sawing logs in the dark just to try and get some heat into my house.  Now I have so much firewood that I'm considering selling it by the sackload.  My garden has many many trees and each time there is a strong wind some trees get blown down.  This is the source of my household heating.  In one hour with the chainsaw I can cut more than enough wood for two nights, whereas by hand in one hour I had cut enough to last 20 minutes, so the chainsaw is indeed a prize possession.  besides, how many women do you know that keep a chainsaw in their wardrobe?

Til next time,

MW, a!

Size Zero my arse!

No, I'm not bragging.  Before I went away in January I was pretty much aware of the dress sizes we have here in the UK.  When I got back the papers were full of size zero models, a huge debate had developed and general outrage at the damage these models / fashion designers were having on the yoof of today.

I'm not contesting that, I can understand the concerns raised and think its despicable that girls / women of today feel compelled to achieve this unrealistic, unhealthy and  unattractive figure.  What gets my goat it the term size zero!  Its a size 6, or 4 at a push - not bloody zero!   I am a size 12.  I buy size 12 clothes, and tell people I am a size 12, but surely I should be saying I'm a size 8, or a size 6, but I don't because I am a size 12!!!!   I live in the UK, I go by UK sizes. 

My niece is a size 8 yet she thinks she needs to lose weight - why?  Because she wants to be a size zero.  Its ridiculous.  Its as ridiculous when Vanessa Feltz appeared in the media, claiming to be a size 12.  By American standards, maybe - but not by ours!  Every other size 12 woman saw that advert and probably got very depressed.  They were probably quite happy with their figure, and now this lady was comparing her body to theirs.  I don't mean to be insulting to VF, I would like everyone to be happy in their body, but please, don't mislead the nation.

MW, a!

Is passion out of fashion? Or is love the new black?

So, last night.....

was wonderful.  The man came in bearing roses and a card.  Make all the right noises about my appearance, and I believe they were genuine.  He became embarrassed when he saw the little gifts I had for him, though accepted them gracioulsy.  The card he gave had been chosen thoughtfully, and his written message inside seemed truly heartfelt.

Conversation flowed freely in the car on the way to the cinema, the hotdog was sublime and the popcorn had a few solid sugar lumps scattered throughout.  We had 1 pepsi max and 2 straws, which he said was romantic, I said it was to prevent contaminating each other - can you see who has the most romance in their heart?

The film, Hot Fuzz, was entertaining, funny and well performed.  The chinese takeaway was good, very juicy, Chicken Chop Suey and chips twice with plastic forks.  We pulled up in a relatively peaceful place, next to a park and admired an urban fox as he went about his daily (nightly) business.

Back at my place, tea for him, coffee for me.  Both feel a bit funny after the chinese - the peril of eating late - and he apologises for it.  We share a lingering kiss, chat some more then he heads for home.

PERFECT!

The man in question is the man that has broken my heart on more than one occasion.  One of his gifts from me was a red glass heart shaped ashtray.  As I handed it to him I said 'this is mine, please don't break it'.  OK, its corny - but I hadn't rehearsed it and actually was fairly chuffed with it at the time.  He knew exactly what I meant, and there was nearly tears - but he contained himself.  We both know we face a struggle, and there will be tears and tantrums, but I truly believe what we have together is worth saving.  A close friend of mine told me that I wasn't to give in all the time - I'm not giving in, I'm just not giving up.

Love, today and always

MW, a!

Valentine's day - because you're worth it!

So its upon us once again.  Tomorrow - Valentines Day - Feel Good/Bad/Worthless About Yourself Day.  Be judged by how many cards you get, none and you are a pathetic no hoper, one or two - thats ok, more than two, what the hell have you been up to? Why so many cards you dirty little hussy?!

Does anybody really get it?  The real meaning behind Valentine's Day?  I know I don't, but then I don't dislike it or approach it with the vemon many do - commercialised claptrap, don't know why we fall for it year after year - oh, I can hear them now.

Some will say its a day to express your love to your partner, but hang on....doesn't love deserve more than just one day a year?  Shouldn't it be expressed every day?  Not necessarily by bestowing gifts and cards, but by a simple hug or kiss, a touch of hands, a cheeky little wink.  Something that goes unnoticed by others but means the world to the couple.

I like the secrecy of Valentine's Day, even though its obvious who you got the card and presents from.  I dislike the 'to my wonderful wife/husband/fiancee' cards.  It leaves no room for a little fantasy, no tiny seed of doubt about who sent the card to you.  Unless, of course, you are not married or engaged.  That could definitely add to the mystery, or cause arguments.

I do have plans for tomorrow.  Hopefully it will be a good night without too many tears or tantrums.  If I didn't have plans for tomorrow then I would have made some. Its a day for lovers, but if you don't have a lover why should you miss out?  Pamper yourself.  Spend what you would have spent on a gift for your lover on a gift for yourself.  Buy yourself some flowers, chocolates or a bottle of decent wine.  Don't send yourself a card though, that is pushing it too far!

Enjoy it!

MW, a!

Still all white

The snow is still here, but only just.  Yesterday was so completely beautiful and peaceful, everyone was in a good mood and I went sledging!  Ok, it wasn't serious sledging, I only came down the steeper parts of the lane so that I didn't have to walk, but it was sledging all the same.

Took 3 of the more courageous cats for a walk last night and we happened upon a red deer grazing in our field.  We stood for ages watching it, so serene and peaceful before we sloped off back to the house without disturbing it one jot.  I knew we had deer as they keep eating the tops of the tulips trying to push their way out of the ground, but it is so rare for us to see one, let alone stand there and watch it.  Must admit I felt all kinda special and tingly - but then nature does that to me.

Not a lot going on at the moment, though there have been developements in certain areas of my life - all too vague at the moment to write about, but keep watching and I'll tell all (ish). 

Til later,

MW, a!

What's all that about?

Dreams are bizarre, at least my dreams are.  For 2 nights running now I have had the strangest and most vivid dreams.  I have started to keep a dream diary, just so I can read back and think how odd my mind is.

Last night my dream involved parking my car in a car park while I made a delivery to a shop somewhere.  I had previously bought my parking ticket on line as there was a discount for doing so, and a special rate for deliveries only.  Upon my return to the car park my car had gone.  I ran up and down some stairs checking all the floors just in case I had got the wrong one but no, it had been towed away.  After speaking to an attendant abut the fact I had a ticket I was sent to the pound to get the ticket out of the car.  This involved walking through a concrete maze of stairs, tunnels and alleyways.  As I was making my way the enamal on my teeth started flaking off, so I would be spitting out tooth shaped bit of yukkiness into my hand and putting them in my pocket to visit the dentist later.  The amount on enamel just kept on increasing, so I would start choking on them, not able to get them out of my mouth quickly enough.  I never did get my car back!

The other dream I won't go into, as it involves other people and I don't want to upset them, but suffice to say it was a weird one that woke me at 5am because it was quite disturbing.

Til later,

MW,a!

I wasn't expecting that!

Got thrown a bit of a curve ball today.  Went to collect NZ holiday pics from the developers, got home, selected one of the many packets, opened it up to find pics from my wedding day.  Bugger!

I say bugger because I had thought that progress had been made with my emotions, that I was quite calm with the situation and what with him moving away to a different country in the next 6 weeks for a year I thought I could bid him farewell in a nice, friendly manner - wish him luck and then get on with sorting myself out.  However, the pictures are mainly of the happy couple and it reminds me of how good we were together.  Maybe I see things differently to how they really were, rose coloured glasses and all that - but looking at these photos I don't think so.

So what were the emotions I went through?  Well, an overwhelming sense of love mainly, followed by disappointment and loss.  Strangely there was no anger, I don't think I've felt anger for some time now.  There was definitely frustration in there too.  I do miss him, not all the time I have to admit, but sometimes.  I no longer go to bed and cuddle his pillow, wishing he was with me, to hold me in his arms and make me feel safe like he used to - I don't think he could make me feel safe again.  But I miss him when I'm cooking dinner, or when I'm stood in the field on my own. I miss him when a certain song gets played on the radio and when something silly makes me laugh.  I miss him when I look at the night sky and I missed him today when I saw these bloody pictures.  The problem is, I can't tell him that.  I can't tell the man that wrenched me out of his heart and out of his life that I still have these feelings for him.  I can't make myself that vunerable just to be hurt again, which is exactly what would happen.

He used to tell me that he loves me, misses me, wants me back.  That doesn't happen much now, and there have been no actions to prove his statements.  I don't know what I want him to do, and if he did it I still don't know for certain that everything would work out for us. The 1st cut is the deepest, but the 2nd, 3rd and 4th all hurt just as much if not more.

I said he was the love of my life, and I still stand by that.  The passionate, all consuming rollercoaster of emotions that we shared together could be nothing else. So yes, he is the love of my life but that doesn't automatically mean we will always be together.     Does it?

Desperately in need of help and sleep,

MW, a!

Bit chilly, eh?

Indeed, tis freezing.  Thats the thing with living in a 100 year old cow shed.  Not a lot of central heating,  I have lit my fire and it did warm up somewhat, but it becomes difficult to compete with the dropping temperatures outside.  Also I have to make sure it has gone out before going to bed to prevent the place going up in flames.  It doesn't help when I go out of the country for 3 weeks and there is no source of heat for that length of time.  I'm sure my stone walls have turned to ice.

Have just had a strenuous stretch and I do believe each of my vertibrae has just popped.  A very weird feeling, but I'm not sure if I feel better or worse for it.  I guess I will know in the morning when I can't get out of bed.

Went out Friday night with my best bud.  Is it me, or do compliments get more bizarre as you get a bit older  - I can say that as it was my birthday last week .  I used to get compared to the Corrs sisters, Michelle Pfieffer, even Uma Thurman when she was in Pulp Fiction.  On friday I was asked if I was related to Lorraine Kelly!  I have nothing against LK, and I think she is lovely - but the guy did not leave with my phone number!

tis all for now,

Dream deep,

MW, a!

One small step for me.....

Well hello,

As you will shortly become aware this is all a bit new to me.  I have been commenting on the Chris Evans blog for some time now and thought it was about time to start my own blog.  Its a bit odd to feel anxious about it, but I figure what the hey, and do it anyway.  Its a good attitude to have towards life in general I find.

So, what do you want to know?  What could I possible tell you about myself to intrigue and astonish you?  What facsinating stories do I have to tell?  Bugger, already starting to think that this was maybe a mistake!  I'll start with the basics, and maybe progress from there.  I don't work at the moment, having run my own pet shop business for 3 years which unfortunately did not turn out to be the gold mine I was hoping for.  I am looking for work, preferably in the animal sector, but am prepared to spread my wings and learn something new - the travel industry is appealing to me at the moment - or maybe floristry.  I have been married twice, divorced once and now currently serparated - how this one will work out I don't really know, but will keep you informed, that is if you give a monkeys.

I don't have any children and am more than happy to keep it that way. I do however have 9 cats, 2 guineas, 1 rabbit, far too many fish and a tortoise.  I live right on the river and take my cats for a walk every day.  Not on a lead I hasten to add, they come to a specific call and follow me wherever I take them which is really quite cool.  I am currently looking into getting a couple of lambs and training them in Sheep Agility.  Not sure if it even exists, but I'm up for a challenge.

I enjoy travelling and holidays, but then who doesn't?Over the past 12 months I have been lucky enough to visit Lapland (my favourite place in the world), Paris, Egypt twice, Spain and New Zealand.  Once I have learnt how to do photos and stuff on here I shall elaborate more.

Its now 2.30am, and I think I have probably said more than enough, so loving you and leaving you,

Til next time

Mariella x