illuminate these eyes.

the keepers of our hearts.

soon we'll grow old to the lives we lead.
we'll start paying our bills and our wrists won't bleed.
we'll need a distraction from the stress that we bring.
and we'll be getting paid to be puppets on strings.

i've not yet lived a score and i already know
that when things aren't easy, your friends become foes.
i've only lived a life where we're all insane,
immune to the chaos. please lend me a brain.

who we are is only a label,
we're ignorant, we're fake, we're becoming unstable.
our journals are the only things we page,
those people and cell phones are of the new day and age.
but what if we're not ready to undergo change?
perhaps our vocabulary will be rearranged
in the verses of those pages that we've already met.
the keepers of our hearts, our beating regrets.

eh.

- mec.

the souls of animals.

two of my pets died recently in two days of each other. we had both for ten years. i wonder if pets are in heaven. do you ever have a question that teases you? that's mine currently. it's been said that animals don't have souls. my older brother and i used to argue on that subject regularly.  my thoughts were that animals might not have souls, but they do have feelings. i remember when i was around eight, i tried to evangelize to my cat. i remember wanting her to go to heaven with me so badly. i even got my bible out and reading scripture to her. of course, i've always been the silly one.

on a not-so-serious note, i went over to my boyfriend's house for the first time last night. we had a great time. he tried to "put the move" on me and elbowed me in the eye. then to make me feel better, he gave me a huge hug and mashed my earring into my head, poking me. that'll be a night neither of us will forget. haha.

i'm incredibly tired. i think i'll wind down early tonight.

- mec.

friends.

when i was younger, i remember getting off of the school bus crying one day because my best friend hurt my feelings. i don't remember why, but i know that i was really upset. i came in the house and sat down the couch beside my dad. he told me then, "friends come and go. you'll have some that you'll keep for a lifetime, some that you'll have for a month or two, and some you'll never really know." being eight, at the time, i didn't believe him. i knew that i'd always have the same friends.

i realized last night with about thirty of them over that they are all completely different people than even three years ago. i didn't even notice until my mom said she didn't recognize almost anyone. who knew?

some of my girlfriends stayed over last night. at sleepover's we used to conversate about our favorite tv shows and recess and how we'd always be friends. these days, we talk about teachers and grades and boys who can't get a clue. i used to worry about coloring inside the lines and now i worry about my grades and college. the years, obviously, flew by.

i'll be losing a close friend of mine soon. he's moving to clayton. it's really kind of depressing. we've just gotten to be so close and now he's leaving. atleast, he's promised to stay a few weekends with me to catch up. he's my true friend and i cherish him deeply.

- mec.

school starting. bring on the anti-depressants.

school starts back on monday. this only means the sweet freedom we know as summer is fading faster. i let it slip away again. though, this was, by far, the best summer of my life, there are things that went unfinished. i didn't go to an amusement park, i didn't surf, i didn't learn any additional chords, and i didn't even create myself a new image. it's just the same me.

i suppose that's alright, though. i'm always talking about change and what i can change about myself to make things easier and better. what can i possibly do? i took initiative to this question recently. as simple as it may seem, i passed a homeless man on the way home the other day and gave him a taco from taco bell. the way his face lit up was incredible.

you see, when you please someone else, they're more likely to please another person and so on and so forth. unlike when you displease someone. i've noticed that when i get sad, it's contagious to the people around me. have you ever been in a maternity ward? if one baby cries, generally, more cry. i'm told that it's because a baby's sadness can be triggered by another's. we also get sad when our friends are. although, "everyone is born evil," i believe that we don't all live that way.

so i'll leave you with this question:
how will you end your summer?

- mec.

getting older never felt older.

getting older never felt older.
being wiser, our hearts grew colder.
kissing boys to holding hands
romances failed with one-night stands.

residing disaster was not mentioned in plans,
but arrived here later, with a suitcase in hand.
a sweet-talking male causes uncanny thoughts
as a gust of wind leaves the trees at a loss.

so i've heard this story.
i've heard your excuses.
i've heard your complaints
and their nothing but useless.

so i've been lost in love.
so i've been lost in doubt.
so i've been lost in faith
and did nothing but pout.

stir another glass of pain to drink down.
pack all my clothes. i'm leaving this town.
my worries, your hurries have come to an end.
tragedy and strategy are still left to mend.

you said, "i love you, sweetie forever, always."
that just means infatuation for a few days.
"let's go and get married, you have my kids."
we just grew apart. that's all we did.

so i've heard this story.
i've heard your excuses.
i've heard your complaints
and their nothing but useless.

so i've been lost in love.
so i've been lost in doubt.
so i've been lost in faith
and did nothing but pout.

my first love, my first kiss,
my very first reminisce.
my first pain, my first hurt,
my very first, "i love you, squirt."
my last time, my last belief.
i learned to sow what i reaped.
a heart that was yours was pushed away.
we'll never know why it happened this way.

- mec.

life comes at you fast.

the other night, i was lying in bed thinking, "when did i grow up?" i can't help but to think that i just let my childhood slip away, though i'm only fifteen (or almost). sadly, when you enter high school, your childhood is left behind the gates of maturity. you realize how much things and people can change in such a short amount of time. i've always been used to not having to study and coming out of the grading period with an a and this year, i've actually had to work at having the grades that i had (some of which were a little disappointing).

aside from grades, i became intranced by love; a word that is not easily spoken by me. so many teenagers mistake infatuation with actual love. it's just not something you can play with, nor something that fades within a matter of months. this is something i know from experience. countless nights of insomnia, anxiety, and pain were inflicted upon me mainly because i was afraid to let go. frightened that i might actually have been happy again to move on. finally, going about that was a choice, but forgetting was not an option.

looking back at the journal entries and poems i used to write amazes me. my interests in things have changed dramatically. for instance, i used to glance at a picture and think, "oh. that's pretty." now i gaze at a picture wondering what the artist was thinking or if any analogies are to be made through the work of art. as opposed to staying up late watching tv, i now stay up late thinking about things, writing, or reading; things, i'd never be caught doing a few years ago. i look at some of my old friends wondering what they're doing and how they are. memories are triggered everyday by something. at times, i feel guilty sitting in church. i'll reflect on my life, my friends, and even old relatioships in the beginning of the service and by the end of the service, i've completed my intial thought, lacking even a statement from the sermon.

realizing what the saying, "life comes at you fast" means, i can now relate.

- mec.