Monday, June 2, 2008 - Reminder.

"happy nine months with sarah yo.
holy nine months.
THATS AS LONG AS IT TAKES TO HAVE A
BABY.
and thats a long time!!"

Yep. Tonya's right. I've been thinking about that one for awhile. It kills me (while I'm quoting something Tonya has said, I just want to put out the notion that I feel bad for all the bad stuff between me and Tonya. I let how I felt about Laura get in the way of things. And I'm sorry for that.). ARGH. I hate myself these days. REALLY. I need to get a grip.

Why does everything have to remind me of this?

Why do I even care?

Why can't I just let it go?

Why does it hurt so bad?

Why is it so important?

Why?

Monday, June 2, 2008 - This just sucks.

I know I shouldn't be writing. I have a huge English test tomorrow, and I should be studying for it. Oh well. Me and Wes studied for it today for aboiut an hour, and I just reread the book we need...I think I might be trying to over-do this whole study thing.

Anyway, don't even know why I'm writing...I'm ashamed of myself. I'm ashamed at myself because of why I'm upset. It shouldn't upset me as much as it does. Just in the last couple of months, it's unbearable. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I don't wanna do this to Wes. I know he says he doesn't mind, but how can it NOT bug him that I'm sad all the time? I don't wanna be like this. I wanna be the best he can ever have, but right now, I'm not doing a very good job. I think I'm scared I'm going to push him away with my stupidity.

Argh. Ok. I'm going to study/sleep. Whatever I feel like most. Sigh.

Friday, May 30, 2008 - Babies.

Ok. I have a serious problem that is actually making me feel depressed ALL the time. I want to have a baby. Exceot, I think there's something other than just having a baby that makes me feel like that. Maybe I want security, control, I don't know. But it's literally killing me inside. Just thinking about it makes me break down and cry. And the worst part is, I can't talk to anyone about it. What the hell would they think? I know I'm too young, and I know that having a baby would be the absolute worst thing in the world. My life would be turned upside down, I'd have to put university on hold, I'm almost positive it would break me and Wes up...as much as it kills me to say that, part of me thinks that even though he loves me, that's not something he would want to stick around for. I don't know. It's driving me absolutely insane. And to anyone reading this, PLEASE don't lecture me about why it's a mistake to have children young...trust me, I know it's a bad decision. That's why it's hurting so bad. It's something I want more than anything in the world, and I know that I can't have it, no matter how bad I want it. And I don't want it just because babies are cute, and blah blah. I know they're hard to look after. I've lived with my baby cousins for weeks and had to deal with looking after them, waking up at night, and all that jazz.. But babies grow up. I know that. It's almost like I want to feel like someone depends on me. Like someone needs me. Right now, I feel like I could disappear and no one would even care. I want to help someone grow up to be a wonderful person. I want to help someone when they need it,

God. I don't know what to do. Obviously, I'm not going to go get pregnant. But the constant depression I get from even thinking about having to wait so long hurts me so bad. I know people say that you should wait till you're older. But you know what? The biggest dream I have for my life is to be a parent. Sure, I'd like to travel and have fun, but family is so important to me. It's the most important thing in the world. I know I have to go get a university degree, and I'm excited to do that. It's just the waiting that tears me up. I feel like I'm going to die if I don't get to take care of a life. I need to find someone who's baby I can just borrow. The little boy I babysit is moving, so I'm not going to get to see him anymore. And Andrea and I don't hang out as much as we used to, so I rarely get to see her baby girl.

I think this hurts so bad because I can't talk about it with anyone. I don't talk about it with Wes because I know it would make him uncomfortable. And I don't need to give him a reason to leave me. I love him so much, and I value that over everything else in my life. It's just, I hurt so much right now, and I really wish I could talk to someone. I have no one left to talk to. I feel so empty. Like something is missing. :(

Tuesday, May 27, 2008 - Sad Day.

"Put yourself in her position,
all she needs is recognition.
Love's not enough when you say it...
let her know, and never let her go."

Blah. Having a crappy feeling day, but I guess it's just cause it's 'that' time of the month. Only three weeks of school left, and it feels like they're going to drag on, but also go really fast...I have a big english test next week, which I'm kinda worried about. I really want to get the award for highest mark in that class, but I don't know if I can pull it off. Anyway, we'll see. I've gotten used to being mediocre. Had a chem test today, and I actually think I did fairly well (touch wood). We'll see though...

I get like this every single month. Right before we come up to another month milestone, I get worried it might be the last. It's nine months for me and Wes this Sunday, and even though I should know by now that he really does care about me, I still get scared that he won't be around in the future...anyway, can't dwell, it takes away from our enjoyment of the present.

Meh, I think I'm gonna go try sleep...even though the sun is still up, and probably won't be down till after 11...GAH.

Peace.

Friday, May 23, 2008 - Wowzers.

I'm not even sure why I keep this blog anymore. I don't ever have the time to actually sit down and write something. But anyway, I thought I might as well do an entry, I don't have much else to do. Life is pretty good at the moment. Only three weeks of school left, and I don't really have a lot to worry about exam-wise. I know I'm not going to get any better at chem, and English should go ok. Social doesn't even matter. Nothing else is really going on. Things with me and Wes are great, almost nine months. :) I now have four siamese fighting fish, I'm kinda like the crazy pet lady.

Summer is almost here, the big lake is breaking up. Yay!

Lol. I really don't have a reason to be writing this. I think I',

Wednesday, April 9, 2008 - Sometimes, I just wanna die.

"Quelque fois, je souhaite que je pouvais mourir, juste pour voir si la mort est mieux que la vie."

Well, I thought I was getting better. The bad days didn't used to drag on, and there were was less of them than there were good days. But now it seems it's coming back. The bad days just won't seem to leave me alone. I was trying so hard, and this is all I get? I give up trying...it never gets me anywhere. I'm working my butt off in Chem and I still don't understand it. I can't accept that I'm failing at it. I NEED that class to get into the courses I want at university. And now I don't know if I can do it...I mean, if I can't do it now, what am I going to do later? It's only going to get harder. I feel like I'm letting everyone down. It's like I've gone back to how I used to be. I'm always sad and cranky and upset. I'm scared outta my mind that I'm gonna drive Wes away...I don't care what I have to give up, I can't lose him. He's all I've got. I hate being so dependant on someone, but I can't help it...I love him more than I thought it was possible to love someone. I love him so much it HURTS. It's like fear is just taking over me right now. Every time there's silence, I'm wondering if he's thinking of breaking up with me...I mean, one day, he's gonna realize that maybe I'm not worth the effort....cause let's face it - I'm pretty hight-maintenance emotionally...I feel like I'm one of those stupid girls who wants to plan the future...but I seriously do want to be with him forever. But somehow, I doubt he really feels the same. I want so badly for him to say that he wants the same thing, but you can't make someone feel something...I don't know. I'm just miserable at the moment. I hate myself, and I hate that I can't succeed, no matter how hard I try. I mean, I spent six hours studying for chem on the weekend, and I still don't understand it...I feel like the stupidest person alive right now. I don't know what to do. It's taking every ounce of resolve and willpower left in me just to stop me trying to slit my wrists again. I hate feeling like this, but I just don't know how to make it better. I've tried everything they say to do, and nothing works.

I feel like I'm dying inside.

Friday, April 4, 2008 - Cool beans

So, I think it's been almost a year since I started this thing. Crazy. I love how so much has changed. Life is so much better now than it was a year ago. Just had a couple of really shitty days, I got a 58% on the last Chem test I did...I've NEVER gotten a mark that bad. But it's a pretty hard course. I was just annoyed cause I know exactly what I'm doing. Don't know what I found the test so hard. Anyway. The course is only worth 50% of the mark anyway...the exam at the end is worth the other half.

I got a fish today! A bright red Siamese fighting fish. I called it Guildenstern, cause when we were reading Hamlet iin English, that name made me laugh. I hope he doesn't die on me...I've had soooooooooooooo many fish (all goldfish and guppies though). Anyway, apparently these ones are really hard to kill!

Seven months for me and Wes. :) Seven months seems like such a short amount of time though! I feel like I've been with him forever. :)

Friday, March 28, 2008 - WOO!

I GOT A NEW CAMERA TODAY!

It's an Olympus Evolt E-510. I LOVE IT! It's a REAL camera, not just a crappy point and shoot...I've wanted one fooooooooooooorever! So yeah. EXCITED!

Haha...no more writing...gonna go play with my new toy. (L)

Wednesday, March 26, 2008 - grrrrrrr.

Friday, March 21, 2008 - :(

Friday, March 21, 2008 - Wow.

Lol. I have a funny story. It's refreshing, I kind of liked the whole situation, just cause...well, I don't know. You'll see. So, anyway, I was talking to Tom online, and we were talking about how he's moving back to Australia, and how he's having trouble with Lindsay. I was trying to help him fix things, and all of a sudden, he told me that he wanted the two of us to hook up before he left! I was like, ummmm, WTF? So I messaged him back saying that I couldn't do that - I love Wes and would never betray him - but that that didn't mean I didn't want us to be friends. And then he messaged ME back pouring his heart out about the move, his problems with Lindsay, all that...and then he said that I should still think about it, that we still had three months left to do something! I don't think anything less of him for it, because I know that's how he is! Besides, he said it was cause he thought I was hot...horrible reason, but strangely flattering nonetheless. Lol. He's always gonna be a player, no matter what he says. Not holding it against him though - it's something I've come to expect from him!

After that lovely conversation, I went to Wes' house for a video game night. He, James, Ian and Carson were there. It was really fun, I was so mad though, I wasn't allowed to sleep over just cause I'm a girl (LAME BALLS!). So me and Wes went to Laura and Duncan's (I'm house-sitting) and had a little fun just to spite them...it was so funny, when we came back to my place, Wes was like, "You know what? We wouldn't have had sex if they'd just let you sleep over!" And it's so true...we wouldn't have left his house and went there if he hadn't had to take me home!

So yeah, that was my day. Pretty good. :)

Sunday, March 16, 2008 - Your girl.

Breaking, she sits by the window,

looking out on the cold, lonely town.

Tears trail down the dirty glass,

as she watches the sun go down.

Destructive thoughts plague her mind.

And her vision is clouded by fear.

Knowing she can’t face the world alone,

she prays she’ll just disappear.

No one ever sees her like this.

The façade she puts up fools them all.

But when she’s alone with her mind,

The disguises begin to fall.

To her, he’s become the drug

That she just can’t live without.

Deep down, she knows he loves her,

But she just can’t help but doubt.

She know in heart that he needs her,

A lot less than she needs him.

Without him, she’s out in an ocean,

Not knowing how to swim.

So next time that you’re with her,

Hold her close, and don’t let go.

Because even if you don’t see it,

She needs you more than you know.

Sunday, March 16, 2008 - Awe man.

"No one ever sees her like this.

The façade she puts up fools them all.

But when she’s alone with her mind,

The disguises begin to fall."

I feel like shiiiiiiiiiit. I don't wanna admit it, but I think that two weeks without prozac is starting to kick in. Which I HATE. I'm trying so hard, and I want so badly not to have to take them. I mean, seriously, I hate it when people say that people with depression choose to be like that. SHUT THE FUCK UP PEOPLE. I'm trying so hard, and it's not working.

Ok. I don't even feel like writing. My day was kinda shitty. Wanted to sleep in, and got woken up about 7 times between 8 and 12. Had to go all the way across town at 9. Then had to fix computer, which took me till three. Then babysitting at 5.30.

I feel like I love Wes too much. Yeah, I know, retarded way to feel. But it's like I can't live without him. Every night, I lie there wishing he was there holding me. It's like if I don't see him, I all of a sudden have no reason to be happy. And I hate myself for that, because I know that I need him a lot more than he needs me, as much as I hate to say that. It's true. And I don't say that because I think he cares for me any less. But he can get by without me. I feel like I can't make it without him.

Argh. I hate myself sometimes.

Thursday, March 6, 2008 - LOVE.

"If their smile warms your heart,
embrace eases you,
and kiss distills all wrong done to man,
then you know that you have found true love."

I feel like I've been pumped full of happy gas! I just can't stop smiling...I feel like a crazy person! He makes me so happy. I never thought I could feel like this. (L) I flushed all my Prozac's down the toilet, and you know what? I feel great. I really don't think they were making any difference at all. And I really don't think I needed them. Love really is the best medicine. I know, I know, I'm rambling, but I just feel so mellow, content and well, HAPPY. I almost don't understand it; I feel like me being this happy is going to start annoying him! Cause I'm always hugging him and stuff, I don't want to seem clingy! But man, I love him so much. I want to be with him for a long time, and I know he feels the same. Lol, I can't stop babbling about everything...I need to write though...I'm practically bursting with happiness!

Monday, March 3, 2008 - All together now: "Awe!"

"Maybe it's because love can't
be measured in time."

So, last night me and Wes celebrated our SIX MONTHS...it was amazing. :) I had a little freak out in the morning when I thought he'd ditched me for some 'other' people...I was so mad, and then I got home and he was already there...I felt like such a bitch! Like I felt really REALLY bad. But anyway, he wasn't mad or anything (as far as I can tell. Lol). We just chilled after that. Watched Stargate, had some 'alone' time, then got ready to go out. We went out for dinner, and afterwards, we went to Javaroma for dessert. It was so awesome, it was an open mic night, and there were candles on the tables and everything. :) The guy was singing and playing guitar and it was just really nice. :) I felt so in love with him right then, it was crazy...I really do feel like I could be with him forever. After that, we went to see '27 Dresses' and it was so good! So yeah, it was a really nice day, I hope that in another six months, we'll be celebrating a year. <3

Monday, February 25, 2008 -

"Every long lost dream lead me to where you are.
Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars.
Pointing me on my way, into your loving arms
This much I know is true.
That God blessed the broken road that led me straight to you."

MAN, I suck at keeping up to date on this thing. I really don't have the time to write though. I've been trying to keep on top of my schoolwork and I've been sick, as well as being with Wes most of the time...so I really can't be bothered writing anything!

Things have been good, I was sick all last week though, which put me in a bit of a shitty mood. Completely stopped hanging out with the two people I couldn't stand to be around. I tried to talk to them about what our issues were, but they pretty much said it was all my fault, so I just gave up and walked away. I now avoid them at all costs, and it's making me feel pretty damn good.

Anyway, absolutely nothing of interest going on around here. Almost six months for me and Wes though! <3

Monday, February 11, 2008 - Falling in love is so bittersweet.

"How will I know if he really loves me?
I say a prayer with every heart beat.
I fall in love whenever we meet."

I swear, I'm more up and down in my moods than a friggen rollercoaster at the moment. It's no longer how it used to be; a week of depression, then a good week. Now it's every day. In the same day, I can be on top of the world, only to fall flat on my face. It's like I'm so terrified of losing Wes that it's starting to really get to me. I'm scared that my crazy moods are going to push him away, and because of what's happened to me in the past, I'm always asking myself if he really loves me...which makes me feel like the most awful person alive, because that's the one thing I SHOULDN'T question...it's just, I'm not used to someone caring about me. I'm used to being used, and I still can't accept the fact that maybe, just maybe, someone might actually want to be with me as much as I want to be with them. I wish I could just accept things for what they are. I hate that I'm so up and down like this. :( I don't even know what to do about it - I'm trying so hard, and for awhile, it was working. But now I feel like I'm going back to how I was. I don't know. I guess it's bugging me more than ever because now, I have something I'm scared to lose as a result of being the way I am. I love him more than anything, and I honestly can't see myself without him in my life. I really feel like I don't deserve him sometimes. :(

Thursday, January 31, 2008 - W'evs.

Will I come up for air, come up for air?
After awhile the current is calling me,
lulling me, waving goodbye.
I'm out here alone, oh God can you save me now?
Sinking my heart turns to stone.

Ooooooooooooooh boy. I'm not feeling too great right now. I can not keep being around these people. And the thing is, I don't know if he knows how much it's killing me to have to stay around them...every day, I can feel myself knot up inside just BEING around them...and I hate it, but when I see them together...I know, that's awful, I shouldn't be acting like this, they're his friends, he has every right to talk to them! I don't know why it bugs me so much!

He also seemed kinda sad today. But he won't ever tell me what's bugging him, so I don't know how to act or what to do. Argh, I hate pms'ing, it makes me all cranky and gross.

New semester started today...not looking forward to it. :(

Argh. I wanna go sleep.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008 - LEGO is 50!!

I've never really been a fan of lego, but I know someone who is!! Today Lego is 50 years old. To celebrate that the "Independent" newspaper gave Britain's most creative minds bucket loads of bricks and these are some of the results!

Alexa Chung, 24, is a television presenter made a set of letters saying "I Love Lego". she only used the black white and red bricks.

Right Said Fred, pop duo that had hits with "I'm Too Sexy" and "Don't Talk Just Kiss" knew immediately they wanted to make a guitar but found it really difficult because there no curved pieces.

Trevor Beattie is a founding partner of advertising agency BMB. He took the best part of 2 days to build his model of the Twin Towers. He used every brick available apart from the wheels and the glass. He left the holes where the planes crashed into both towers.

Sir Paul Keith is one of Britain's most successful fashion designers. He made a rabbit because Paul Smith has always had an association with Rabbits. Apparently in the 80's he was travelling on a train with an American friend and was looking out the window. Paul said to his friend "I'm looking for a rabbit, because if I see a rabbit my collection will be successful". Every since then he's received several rabbits a week!

I've included this last photo, not because it was commissioned by the Independent newspaper, but simply because I think it's an amazing piece of art.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LEGO!!

Thursday, January 24, 2008 - Florida