Mourir Occupé

I'm sunk into a pit of desperation, I want myself to die. Everyone I know feels so far away.

i think these questions will better expose my mood than my dumb fingers ever will.

dear iPod, why you no smile?
burn.
[interpretation: pepito feels like he's always been left in the ashes.]

dear iPod, why i no smile?
golden (live).
[interpretation: pepito thinks that i feel betrayed by the youth, that all of the mothers would rather not have me, that i'm destined to be scorned by the golden rule.]

dear iPod, why do i hurt?
dream on.
[interpretation: pepito thinks that all my dreams, dreams until the dreams come true, are causing me so much mental and physical pain, that i should concentrate on the present instead of the future and past.]

dear iPod, why do i feel so alone?
invincible.
[interpretation: pepito thinks that i've caused myself, over years of going to school sick and hurting all over with no remedy, to be invincible and to shut off everyone else. i think he's wrong, and i think it's everyone else who's invincible, and they just can't see me crying.]

dear iPod, what is my future?
wake me up when september ends.
[interpretation: pepito thinks either that i'll join the army, or follow the fates laid before me by my fathers.]

dear iPod, who loves you?
xo.
[interpretation: nobody.]

dear iPod, who loves me?
a modern myth.
[interpretation: nobody real.]

dear iPod, should i kill myself?
light my fire.
[interpretation: pepito thinks that my love can get no higher. thus, i'm interpreting this to say yes, i should kill myself, for there is nothing better to look forward to. come on, somebody. anybody. light my fire.]

dear iPod, how will i die?
extraordinary girl.
[interpretation: i will leave home and die out in the memories of everyone i know.]

dear iPod, what is wrong with me?
calm before the storm.
[interpretation: a storm is about to brew in my life, and this calm i feel is not good.]

dear iPod, why am i alone?
now i'm here.
[interpretation: pepito thinks i should take comfort in him because i feel so abandoned.]

dear iPod, should i kill myself? [this is deliberate, i want a second opinion.]
supermassive black hole.
[interpretation: what?]

dear iPod, should i kill myself?
bruised.
[interpretation: i feel so bruised. watching everyone else be happy, get married, leave me behind. so let's go with a yes on this one.]

dear iPod, would anybody care if i killed myself?
saturday.
[interpretation: if i were to kill myself next saturday, patrick stump and pete wentz would attack the lost astoria in the wake of it all. good thing?]

[this is like some stupid other thing, where it's like DA SOWNDTRAK 2 UR LYFE!]
Opening Credits:
Was it a Dream? - 30 Seconds to Mars

Waking Up:
If I Ever Leave This World Alive - Flogging Molly

First Day At School:
Adultery - Dog Fashion Disco

Falling In Love:
Welcome to My Life - Simple Plan

Fight Song:
Guilty Conscience - Eminem and Dr. Dre

Breaking Up:
Life in Tenement Square - Flogging Molly

Prom:
Now I'm Here - Queen

Life's OK:
Portrait Unpainted - The Proposal 

Mental Breakdown:
Who's Sandie Jenkins - Chiodos

Driving:
Wine Red (Tommie Sunshine's Brooklyn Fire Retouch) - The Hush Sound

Flashback-
Nobody's Listening - Linkin Park

Getting Back Together:
Five to One - the Doors

Birth of Child:
Jerkin' Back and Forth - Devo

Wedding:
Body Language - Queen [because everything has to be sexual]

Final Battle:
Every Dog Has Its Day - Flogging Molly

Death Scene:
Lazy Gun - JET

Funeral Song:
Play the Game - Queen

End Credits: 
Mai Ai Hee - Miranda Warning 

alright, you want to know my opinion? my opinion is that you are a very insecure and very hypocritical teenage drama queen. here you claim that you're "emo" and you hate people who judge, but the very next thing I see, you're saying "fuck all you who criticize!" and then you're saying you want to try out for American Idol, the capital of all that is conformism! not knowing is ignorance, you say. oh, really? newsflash, you spelled Emotionally wrong in your blog's title. also: "storys" is incorrect, it's actually "stories." so really, you're the ignorant one.

i know you're trying to be creative, you're trying to be some kind of new-wave atheist, you're trying to be your own person. but you talk to me like you think i'm going to become friends with you, and i just cannot do that. do you know why?

because pierre [aka xbrokenxheartedxboyx] is one of my closest friends. i would never do anything to hurt him, but you have made fun of him and called him names, all because he wasn't willing to pander to your whorish requests. you called him a stupid fucker, and that's like calling me a stupid fucker. you called him a retarted pussy, and that is not. cool. you say that he only gets happiness from making others feel bad. well guess what, kristen, that's exactly what you're doing when you laugh at him for having feelings, for knowing the kind of people he doesn't want to associate with.

so i'm "soooooo sorry" if you think less of me. i really couldn't care, because obviously you didn't care enough to see that my number one concern on this site is the same boy you despise. i'm guessing you saw me update once, looked through my profile, and saw that a cute boy was calling himself emo and writing exactly what you wanted from a boy. i'm whatever you want me to be, as long as you only see skin-deep.

thank you and goodnight.


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Original message from emogirl9:

if u are whatever i want you to be... be the one who always tells me your opinion without fear of me getting mad (bc no one here can do that) be the one who speaks his mind and just doesnt care of the consequences (they cant do that either) and be no more and no less of who you really are ( bc the world is full of fakers) that is what i want you to be.
if u want... live up to it. if not.... then dont.

------------------------------
Original message from XxEveryxLastxWordxX:

i'm whatever you want me to be.

------------------------------
Original message from emogirl9:

ok. question. are you male or female? just wonderin. didnt know. but whatever. just wanted an answer. so wats up:

Okay. So. You know Dillon? That I was telling you about earlier? The one who I still sort of kind of hold a candle for? The one who I wasn't sure if he was serious or not about hanging out? He just texted me. And asked me to hang out on Monday.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHH OH MY GOD.

i'll update you all later, right now i'm busy swallowing my soul.

so, i don't know, i kind of want to start writing on websites again, like i used to on quizilla, but i'm hardly willing to put my stuff on that place again. quizilla is one of the most corrupt things on this planet. it's like unless your story is tagged with BrendonUrie FallOutBoy PeteWentz Emo Romance Slash GerardWay BertMcCracken, you don't get any attention. you're basically writing in your journal again. and not to say i'm a writing genius, because i'm not, but it's like um yeah no thanks i don't think i really want to write a slash romance between a vampiric Gerard Way and his brother, i don't salute incest. nor do i wish to pen a fictionalized version of the suspected romance between Patrick and Pete from Fall Out Boy, or publish the seventh Harry Potter with a new melodramatic touch, and myself as the "shy new girl with an edge and abusive parents."

i really just want the attention, that's my main reason to keep living. attention.
so if anybody knows some free writing collective where people actually read other people's stories and all that jazz, i'd smile upon your wisdom.

• The lifetime prevalence of cyclothymic disorder is 0.4-1%. The rate appears equal in men or women, though women more often seek treatment.
• Symptoms are present for at least two years: periods of hypomanic symptoms and periods of low mood that do not fulfill the criteria for major depressive disorder.
• The longest period the patient has been free of symptoms is two months.
• During the first two years of the disorder, the patient has not fulfilled the criteria for either bipolar disorder or major depressive disorder.
• The disorder cannot be better explained as schizoaffective disorder, and it is not superimposed on schizophrenia, schizophreniform disorder, delusional disorder or psychotic disorder not otherwise specified.
• Symptoms are not directly caused by a general medical condition or the use of any substances such as prescription medicines.

The symptoms cause the patient clinically significant distress or impair work, social or personal functioning.

A persistent instability of mood, involving numerous periods of mild depression and mild elation. This instability usually develops early in adult life and pursues a chronic course, although at times the mood may be normal and stable for months at a time. The mood swings are usually perceived by the individual as being unrelated to life events. The diagnosis is difficult to establish without a prolonged period of observation or an unusually good account of the individual's past behaviour. Because the mood swings are relatively mild and the periods of mood elevation may be enjoyable, cyclothymia frequently fails to come to medical attention. In some cases this may be because the mood change, although present, is less prominent than cyclical changes in activity, self-confidence, sociability, or appetitive behaviour. If required, age of onset may be specified as early (in late teenage or the twenties) or late.

The essential feature is a persistent instability of mood, involving numerous periods of mild depression and milding elation, none of which has been sufficiently severe or prolonged to fulfill the criteria for bipolar affective disorder or recurrent depressive disorder. This implies that individual episodes of mood swings do not fulfill the criteria for any of the categories described under manic episode or depressive episode."

So um, I'm not sure if it's just me being a mild hypochondriac when it comes to brain disorders, but seriously, i think that's accurate. My mood swings aren't like typical teen shit. It's not "oh hello i'm happy most of the day and then i'm sad, aw, now i'm back!" Mine are like, "oh my god, i'm depressed i'm depressed i hate my life oh what's this now i'm happy hahaha happy happy happy oh my god oh my god i want to die i hate my life oh my god somebody kill me."

Whatever, I'm just being dramatic.
I'm still gonna ask my theRapist about this.

Oh and by the way, Lithium is some scary shit. It's a "mood stabilizer." Does that mean it'll just put me in the mellow all day? This is Andi. He can't hear you, he can't hear anybody nowadays. He just sits there. Does nothing. He's too mellow.

If i'm put on meds, I want them to be the kind that I can take when I need it and that's all. Like "damn, I don't like feeling this suicidal. i'll pop a Lithizine. all better!" and then i'll come down from it unscarred and it'll be okay, and when i'm feeling depressed but not suicidal, and then i write something beautiful, and then it's okay. Idk. I don't want to have to ask for prescriptions.

help me, help me, help me
xoxo AndixCore

Something has kept me here too long, strangled by age and talent limitations. I just want to get the fuck out of here, go to a town with a real music scene, and jump in. Who cares if nobody likes the band? Look at the fucking Casualties, it's not like they do anything. Sid Vicious? Didn't even play bass. I'm sick of having this anti-life. Sick of "writing songs" only to be lost in the pages of my notebooks. There's no reason to anything anymore, I'm getting screwed by my own aspirations. Fuck.

i hate my image, i hate my life, fuck everything, you all suck, i love you, somebody kill me, somebody get me out of salt lake, take me away to chicago, somebody kill me.

said i to fall out boy:
"Do you feel like when you write, you're writing for someone else, for an audience? Like, knowing that what's down on that page is likely to be transmitted across the galaxy in the form of a bassline and a melody, does it make you feel like nothing's sacred?"

I post it on here because it'll never be answered.

OH BTW: 69TH ENTRY!! LOL LOL LOL.